Tag Archive | spirituality self love

How to give up your inner critic

If you constantly tell yourself you how much you suck, how not pretty you are, how much smarter you should be, and how much more you should be doing, you are not alone. Every one of us has an inner critic, and success depends on breaking up with her and getting into bed with your true inner voice.
My inner critic shows up often and uninvited. Already, this morning, it told me I haven’t gotten enough work done yet (as I write this article), and that I should have had a healthier breakfast (when it was already healthy enough).
For most of my life, I believed that I was not good enough, that other people were smarter, prettier, more intelligent, more talented… I never acknowledged my successes because in my mind I could have done better. None of those accomplishments mattered because all I could hear was the negative chatter of not having done as much as everybody else.
The truth is, unless you learn to master this voice, you are never going to be satisfied with your life. This can lead to downright emotional exhaustion. You can become a doctor, earn millions of dollars, but if the voice inside tells you it’s not enough, you’re going to want to get another shiny degree, or become a billionaire and you still won’t be any happier once you get there.
Here are 5 ways to drown your inner critic and let the real you shine through.

1. Make a list of all your positive traits and successes

List 30 things that are positive about you. Then, list another 30 of your major successes. Keep this list close to you. Refer to it when your inner critic rears itself. Focusing on the positive qualities and successes helps you feel better about yourself, and feeling better about yourself makes you more productive, happier, and healthier.

2. Keep an inner critic page in your journal

Awareness is the key to beginning to curb your negative thoughts. Pay close attention to when your mind starts to trail off. Write down the thought in your journal so that you can begin to decipher thinking patterns and begin to shift them. A negative thought pattern may sound like “Gosh, I’m stupid. I’ll never do anything right. I can’t get it together. I’m a mess. I’m scattered. I’m not as good as she is. I’m a bad hostess.” Once you’ve got a list going, proceed to the next step.

3. Use thought rebuttals

We’re prone to making blanket statements about ourselves that aren’t true, hearing only what we want to hear when others compliment us, taking things personally, blaming ourselves for not being enough. We use ‘should’ and and ‘never’ without thinking of whether these things are true. Next time you write a negative thought in your inner critic page, ask yourself if it’s true? It most likely isn’t, so write down what is true. Learning to get in touch with reality will help your true voice come out.

4. Create 3 positive mantras from your list of positive qualities

Choose 3 positive qualities from your list. Create 3 positive affirmations you can recite to yourself. Or write them down on post-it notes and leave them on your bathroom mirror, in your car, or in your purse. Having a visual aid will help remind you there are some wonderful things about you even when you’re not feeling it.

5. Visualize a time when you felt successful

Think of a time when you felt successful. Recall the smells, colors, and feelings you felt that day. Visualization is a surprisingly powerful tool that helps reconnect you to a specific feeling, and the more you can connect to that feeling, the more you begin to see yourself as perfect the way you are.
It’s easy to disregard the good parts of you and minimize your accomplishments. But the more you can make space to find the positive, the more you grow, thrive, and become the human you were meant to become. Breaking up with your inner critic and learning to listen to your inner voice isn’t easy, and takes real effort and work, but doing the work and breaking free is the most powerful thing you can do to become your best self.
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My goals

In my previous article I wrote about my life changing decision. I’ve realized that I have been living a life of constriction. And to live that kind of life is to not let the light of my being to shine through.

I’ve decided to stop procrastinating and to start living my highest potential. And I really mean it. I’m not going to try to do this. I’m committed to it 100% and there’s no going back. There will be no excuses.

When I start doubting myself or when I feel lazy, I’m just going to remind myself that I’ve been given the gift of this life. I have a great potential. I can create a wonderful, exciting life for myself. The only person standing in my way is myself. Will I make the best out of this life, or will I live my life safely…only to arrive at death safely?

I have two options. I can 1) stick to my old habits and patterns, or I can 2) develop new habits that serve my highest good.

When I choose the first option, I’m going to continue doubting myself, I will never try anything new, I won’t be able to find any new friends and make deep bonds with people, I will eventually get sick and fat, I will end up being depressed, deeply disappointed and frustrated in life. Most likely I will never marry and have children, I will have a poor payed job that frustrates me and I will die because of all the pain and sadness.

When I choose the second option, I’m going to be able to accept and love myself for who I am. I will become my best self and reach my highest potential. I will face all the difficulties like they are challenges. I will be able to conquer any fear. I’m going to have many wonderful friends and people. I will inspire people around me. I’m going to have my dream job and I will be able to help people. Most likely I will meet my life partner and we will start a family. I will be healthy and feel good about my body. My life will be a challenging, exciting and ecstatic experience.

I don’t even have to ask myself which option I prefer. Obviously, it’s the second one. I can’t believe I used to be so stupid and I did my best to end up like a person in the first option. Thankfully, now I’m smart enough to realize that I can change my life right here, right now. I’m pursuing my goals and nothing can make me change my mind or stop me from becoming my best self.

Willpower

So, at the beginning, it’s essential to set clear goals. I’m going to list my goals and I’m going to write everything that I will do on a daily basis to reach that goal: I want to be more open as a person. I want to become my true, authentic self.

  • I will share everything that I believe in with other people.
  • I will stop to tone myself down in order to be accepted by others.
  • I will be perfectly honest all the time.
  • I will stop keeping secrets.
  • I will stop isolating myself.
  • I will express my emotions.
  • I will stop trying to fit myself into a life dictated by society.

I want to develop self love and self appreciation.

  • I will live my life according to the question: What would a person that loved themselves do?
  • I will take time to do things that excite me every day.
  • I will celebrate my successes.
  • Whenever I look in the mirror, I will search for things I can appreciate about my body.
  • I will keep a gratitude journal. Every day I will list all the things I’m thankful for.
  • I will be spending my time productively and make myself proud every day.

I want to be accepted for psychology studies.

  • I will summarize one chapter from the psychology book every day.
  • I will summarize one chapter from the social sciences book every day.
  • I will be solving math problems every day.
  • I will train my logical thinking and spatial intelligence.

I want to find a part time job.

  • I will be actively searching for job options every day until I find the best one.
  • I will apply for it and do my best to be accepted.

I want to create and sell my mandalas.

  • I will work on a mandala every day for at least 1 hour.

I want to find friends and meet like minded people.

  • I will go out more and search for like minded individuals.
  • I will be more active on social sites and on my blogs.
  • I will message interesting people daily until I find someone who understands me and with whom I can share my life with.

I want to get in shape and feel good in my body.

  • I will exercise each day for at least 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the afternoon.
  • I will take a walk outside each day for at least 15 minutes.

I want to eat healthy food and stop overeating.

  • I won’t eat when I’m not hungry.
  • I won’t eat any chocolates or candies.
  • I will drink more pure water.
  • I will take vitamins every day.

I want to go to bed earlier.

  • I will go to sleep at 10 PM every day.

I want to wake up earlier.

  • I will wake up at 7 AM every day.

Things I love about myself

To be confident enough to acknowledge not only one’s own weaknesses, but also one’s own strengths is admirable. It is also necessary for success. It is a crucial part of self-awareness. All too often we think that the people who are self-aware are the ones who are acutely aware of their foibles.  But he, who is aware of his foibles, may be unaware of his many wonders.  And a person who is unaware of his positive aspects is just as lacking in the area of self-awareness as a person who is unaware of his negative aspects.

This is a sad world that we live in if self-deprecation makes someone “good”. And high self-regard makes someone “bad”. It is no wonder that the root of so many problems here on earth is the lack of self-love. We are confusing self denigration with humility. To regard yourself highly is not necessarily to regard others as low.

I do not think that self-deprecation is an admirable quality. It upsets me that it is the foundation of being liked by others.  Women are the worst when it comes to this. I have observed that if you announce to a woman what you like about yourself, they will look at you with an heir of judgmental disgust. Whereas if you announce to a woman what you hate about yourself, they will rush to your aid by complimenting you and establishing rapport. The lesson we females learn when we are very young, is that the way to get along with other women is to put ourselves down.

Do not mistake self love for narcissism.  It is important to focus on things that cause you to feel good about yourself. Your relationship with yourself is your only guaranteed lifelong relationship.

I am going to make a list of things that I love and appreciate about myself. And I encourage everyone to do the same.

  • I am kind.
  • I am loving.
  • I am adorable.
  • I am inspiring.
  • I am curious.
  • I am intelligent and wise.
  • I am committed.
  • I am genuine.
  • I am original.
  • I am generous.
  • I am fascinating.
  • I am a visionary.
  • I am extremely deep.
  • I care.
  • I am brave.
  • I am sensitive.
  • I am creative.
  • I am compassionate.
  • I am idealist.
  • I am romantic.
  • I empower others
  • I love to laugh.
  • I am a good writer.
  • I am a good listener.
  • I am extremely gracious.
  • I am feminine.
  • I can admit my mistakes
  • I have good taste.
  • I am good at languages.
  • I am good at singing.
  • I am a good hearted person.
  • I am physically beautiful.
  • I am a good friend.
  • I can find beauty in anything.
  • I am interested in life.
  • I am not afraid of the shadow aspects of myself or other people.
  • I am dedicated to decreasing suffering on this planet.
  • I am dedicated to being as conscious and self aware as I possibly can be.
  • I crave to see other people and beings happy and thriving.
  • I can explain well a lot of things.
  • I love being a woman.
  • Bad experiences make me stronger (I am able to learn from them).
  • I focus on my true desires.
  • I am a shining example of how one can change.
  • I am open to new things and new ideas.
  • My connection with the source energy is mystical.
  • I have a bright future ahead of me.
  • I know more secrets about the universe than most people do.
  • I have a great appreciation for life.
  • I am committed to living consciously.
  • I have great imagination.
  • I am willing to say I am sorry.
  • I am willing to admit I was wrong.
  • I am able to experience oneness.
  • I am a stream of consciousness conscious of itself.
  • I am a joyful expression of source energy.
  • I am worthy and deserve love and happiness.
  • I am all and all is me.

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January 2014 (month review)

January has been a month of intense changes for me. I have never experienced such an exciting and challenging month. It also feels like the longest month ever – so many things happened that I can not believe that just a month ago I was a completely different person.

I have made lots of life changing decisions. At the beginning of this month I thought I was going to study medicine. Now I want to become a psychologist (see a previous post on how I chose my career for more details).

Besides the fact that I made such radical changes in my future career, I have also faced many different challenges. It feels like all of my fears that I was suppressing my entire life came to surface. I could no longer avoid them. I saw them clearly. Each day of this month I did some shadow work. I digged deep into my personality. I reconsidered everything that I knew about myself. I faced all of my fears. And the result from this process are astonishing. Things that were causing me to feel terrible about my life and myself no longer feel so bad. Actually, I started to enjoy them. I started to enjoy all the challenges because now I know that I am strong enough to achieve any goal.

For the first time in my life I can say “I love myself” and I really mean it. Nothing feels better than self love and self empowerment. It feels like you have your best friend with you all the time. And my best friend is myself. I no longer make myself feel guilty for things that I have done or have not done. I completely accept my past, I value it and appreciate it. Without everything I went through I would not be here where I am now. Every single experience, no matter how painful it was, served a positive purpose. And now I can see clearly why I chose to experience everything that I have experienced. I see why I chose to be born in this family, why I chose my appearance, why I chose this theme to explore in this life. I do not regret this decision.

I know that I have an infinite potential. My future is not set in stone. I know that it is a blank canvas and only I can decide what do I paint. I can feel the freedom to choose any perspective in any given moment. I feel the excitement that comes from knowing that I am the creator of my own reality. I know that whatever happens, I can always choose to experience it in a positive way. I no longer have any problems. I only face challenges. And every new challenge makes me even stronger and more aware of my true self. Life is really wonderful when you choose to see it in this way!

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How to change a belief

Last time I told you what beliefs are. Today I am going to tell you how to consciously change a belief. This process is based on Teal Scott’s teachings on how to change a belief. I find it really helpful and it works for me so I hope it will work for you too. The steps for changing a detrimental belief are:

1. Identify the belief. If you do not know how to do that, read the article on Shadow work that I wrote just recently.
It is important to work with a core belief. For example the thought “I hate speaking in public “is not a core belief. It is an emotional reaction to a core belief. A core belief can be “I am not good enough”. You always want to be working with the root belief when you are dealing with changing your beliefs. Because if you do not, it will just keep coming back.

2. Decide if the belief is beneficial or detrimental to you.

3. Decide what you would rather believe instead. Let your non beneficial beliefs be your inspiration towards beliefs you want to believe.

4. Determine the emotions that are holding you to the belief like glue. Decide if the emotional pay off is worth keeping the belief or not. For example: If I believe that I am not good enough, if I am being really honest about the emotional pay off it might look something like: I get pity when I feel like I am not good enough and that pity feels like people care about me. Or: when I think thoughts like I am not good enough, I give up the responsibility of having to try something new. You have to decide if the emotional pay off is worth the limitations of the beliefs which you are holding. If not, decide you are ready to let go of it. Nothing will help anybody to change something if they do not want to change it.

5. Seek out alternative evidence and alternative explanations which undermine the validity of your detrimental belief. Replace the evidence you’ve been using to back up and support your detrimental belief with evidence that undermines it! For example: If you believe that you are not good enough, this belief may be backed up by this kind of evidence: my mother always told my that I was not good enough. An alternate explanation may be something like this: When I made mistakes, it was an embarrassment to my mother. She was the one who felt as she was not good enough. I simply adopted this belief.

6. Look for evidence and proof to back up the beneficial belief which you would rather believe. And example would be: How am I good enough? I have had successes (you can list them). I have worth which is inate. The things that I have to say could really benefit other people. You want to look at as much proof and evidence that is possible. Make it your focus.

7. Use affirmations that work. These are affirmations which feel good to think, that you DO believe… NOT affirmations which make you more aware of where you aren’t and feel like a lie because they contradict your own sense of intelligence. Because when you believed for decades that you are not good enough and you say something like “I am good enough”, it sounds to you like a lie. You can use things like: I value myself because I care (if you do believe it).

8. Without immediately taking inventory of your reality (out of distrust of the process), simply giveyour self some time to let the new beliefs take root and ALLOW your reality to change. Soon after you change your thoughts, you’ll be looking at tangible proof in a reality that backs up your new thought to such a degree that the new thought will then become a firm belief. But this time, it will be one which benefits you and your life!

Love yourself

Talking to yourself like you would to someone you love is exactly whats required to develop spirituality. If you can learn to love yourself, to develop that feeling of love that you have for someone else, for your own self, you will literally begin to have that feeling all the time. That feeling is something that is sought by all of us, we look to the external world for it. We believe that we must find someone to love, that someone out there will complete us. But that someone is not out in the world, it is you, within you. Love yourself, and you will feel complete. Love yourself, and you will be ready to give love to others, rather than wanting to take love from them. When you love yourself, you are empowered, you know that no one can ever take that love away from you, so you can go into all relationships, fearlessly. You cannot have fear, when you have nothing to lose.

Loving ourselves is exactly what society steers us away from, creating as many conflicts as possible, to make us judge ourselves, to make us feel unworthy, to make us have to look the best, or have the most money, or be the best at something to attract attention… it’s all a distraction to keep us from loving the most important thing, and that is literally yourself.

Love who you are, love your flaws, accept yourself. You are unique, you are special, no one else can be you, or replace you, you are perfect being imperfect, that is what beauty truly is. You are beautiful, just as you are. If you don’t like something about yourself, change it into something you do like, if you can’t change it, then accept it completely, because it wasn’t meant to be changed, so why wish it could be?

Live fully, in love, if you do this, you cannot judge or hate others, because judging and hating come from a lack of love for yourself, it’s all a reflection of what you haven’t made peace with, within you. Make peace with yourself, and you will make peace with the world. This is what gives you the power to give who you are to the world and it makes a difference.

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