Tag Archive | shadow work

Things that happen as you start loving yourself

“I love myself…I love you. I love you…I love myself.” ~ Rumi

There is no greater love than self love.

As you begin to embrace and accept yourself fully, you will be able to embrace and accept the world around you fully.
We give what we have and the more love we have for ourselves, the more love we will be able to give to those around us.
True love starts with you. If it flows through you abundantly, it will flow back to you abundantly.
Give more of it to yourself and you will have more to give to others.

What I will share with you today is a list of 10 magical things that start to happen as you begin to love yourself.

1. Authenticity
“As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

2. Respect
As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

3. Maturity
As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

4. Self-confidence
As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

5. Simplicity
As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

6. Love of oneself
As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

7. Modesty
As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

8. Fulfillment
As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

9. Wisdom of the heart
As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

10. Knowing
We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!” ~ (attributed to) Charlie Chaplin on his 70th birthday: As I Began to Love Myself.

Are you ready and willing to start loving yourself more and more each day? What is one thing you will do today to move yourself in that direction? You can share your comment by joining the conversation in the comment section below 🙂

Advertisements

Why do we hate our bodies?

In the previous article, I was talking about the obsession our society has with physical appearance. It is obvious that it is so. Now I want to go even deeper into this subject .

I think that these days our obsession with physical appearance is worse than ever. More and more 12-year-old girls are going on diets because they believe that your weigh determines your worth. But when all you see is a body type that only two percent of the population has, it’s difficult to remember what’s real and what’s reasonable to expect of yourself and everyone else.

Before social networks, we mostly had images of impossibly perfect celebrities. We would pass these images on billboards, watch them on TV, look at them in magazines, but we weren’t sitting around staring at them for hours every day.

I think that social media hurt because young people are now having their bodies judged online in addition to being judged in person, which causes them to feel trapped. People also say things they’d never say to your face. It’s like Facebook gives them a screen that totally blocks out their emotions…they don’t have to see how I’d react when they say something negative about me. We are relying on judgments from people we’ll never meet to determine our worth.

The standards that society has set on what we call “pretty” are very hard to meet. There are few people who are naturally pretty and all other people could probably be considered the uglier ones.

For years, we’ve acknowledged the fact that no matter how much we try to temper it, girls face immense pressure to look a certain way – from the media, Hollywood, and probably most of all each other – a pressure that many would say starts early and doesn’t ever really end.

Body image is no light subject. There are people who are suffering legitimate illnesses, mental and physical, relating to how they appear. 

I’ve read many stories of girls that want to kill themselves because they hate the way they look. They are in such a deep place of self hate.  I’ve heard of a girl that avoids mirrors and windows because whenever she sees her own face she wants to vomit. She can’t even stand people looking at her. People laugh at her all the time, boys teas her for being ugly. She cries herself to sleep at night and even cuts herself because she hates that she is not pretty.

It hurts me that we as a society are causing this suffering that people experience regarding their physical appearances. 

The question is, what do we do about it?  What is the solution to this problem? What can we do to stop this insane obsession we have with physical appearance?

I have been thinking about this for days and days, trying to come up with a solution. But the more I was focused on the problem, the more upset and angry I was becoming. I was casually walking on the street when I saw a billboard with a model on it. I instantly felt like I want to destroy that billboard for spreading the propaganda of plastic beauty. When I watched a movie, I was so angry at the fact that only beautiful people by society’s standards play leading roles and the normal looking people play the dorky ones in the background. Whenever I encountered good looking girls in a bus, I was getting more upset because I felt like society pressures us into uniformity.

I became so angry that everyone is obsessed with their appearance. But most of all, I was angry at myself. My hate for everyone was just a reflection of my own self hate. I recognized myself in all of these people I was hating on. I was just the same as all other girls. And I hated it about myself. I felt like it made me a shallow stupid person. I couldnt stand it about myself. When I wasnt dressed well and when I wasnt wearing any make up, I felt ugly and unworthy. And when I was dressed well and looking good according to society’s expectations, I felt like an attention seeking whore. I felt like because of me there are so many people suffering.

Then I asked myself, what the hell am I doing? It doesnt matter what I look like, I always find a reason why to hate my body. I obviously have a problem.

Then I have realized how ridiculous this is. The only reason why we all care so much about our looks is because we don’t feel good enough. We think that we must live up to certain expectations in order to be considered beautiful. And not to be considered as beautiful means to me that no one will love us, we will end up alone and rejected.

Therefore it’s only natural that for us females it’s so important to look good. Most of us have a similar belief, that to be ugly means not to deserve love. That’s why we care so much about our looks. From our perspective our entire existence is dependent on it.

We have to realize that it’s not about what we look like. It’s all about self worth. We don’t have to change our bodies in order to be worthy and loved. We just need to learn how to appreciate ourselves more.

In the next article I’m going to tell you more about what you can do to love and accept your body.

Sorry if this post was too depressing, I just wanted to explore the shadows that cause so much pain in our society. I think that it’s important to have a clear image of what’s going on and how many people are suffering because of our crazy beauty obsessed society.

Overcoming my internet addiction

I feel bad. I dislike this feeling. I have been feeling like this for two days now. Sometimes it is better and sometimes it is worse, it depends on what I am paying attention to at the moment.

It is fascinating to me how fast my emotions change. Last week was totally amazing. I have been so happy like never before. Life felt like ecstasy. And somehow a few days later I feel so frustrated like I have ruined my life. It is overwhelming how things can change.

So what is it that is creating this pain within my being? Obviously I must have some definitions and belief systems that are out of alignment with my natural self. Lets find out what these definitions are!

The first question I should ask myself is when do I feel this intense negative emotions and why?

I feel bad when I spend too much time on fan forum, when I watch too many youtube videos, when I read too much fanfiction and when I spend too much time (basically the entire day) on the internet. This causes me to feel guilty because at the end of the day I know that I have done nothing productive. I feel like I am wasting my life. I know it is bad for me and I still do it. That makes me feel even worse about myself. It feels like the internet has more power over me than myself. I just cant get enough. It feels like I am addicted to it.

Now I need to ask myself: What am I getting out of this? Why am I choosing to do all these activities when I know they do me no good?

I love the excitement that comes with reading the forums, reading fanfiction, reblogging things on tumblr, watching youtube videos, browsing the internet… Life just seems so exciting. I am learning new things, I can talk to people all over the world, it is fun. There is no better feeling than when something amazing happens in my fandom. Everyone starts freaking out and everyone goes insane. It is great to feel so many intense emotions. It makes me feel alive.

Obviously I use my internet addiction, mostly the addiction to my fandom, to replace the lack of fun and excitement in my life. There is nothing wrong with going on the internet. Internet is great, it can be very informative, you can talk to people around the world, you can share your perspective on blog (I love my blog btw). But like everything, you can use the internet in a positive and in a negative way. The negative way of using internet is when you spend your entire life in front of your computer instead of having real life social interactions and real life interests. It is also unhealty to sit in front of your computer all day. You demage you back and make yourself sick.

My problem is that I have been using the internet to fill the void within my being that craves excitement and fun. I am also using it as a disctraction from dealing with my problems and insecurities. I use it to escape the „real world“.

So what is the solution to my problem? I need to find a way how to make my life more exciting without neccesarily using internet. Here are some exciting activities I could do:

  • I can go on a walk outside.
  • I can exercise.
  • I can listen to music and dance around.
  • I can paint mandalas or anything that I like to paint.
  • I can do creative things.
  • I can write into my diary.
  • I can hang out with my friends.
  • I can read books.
  • I can do meditation.
  • I can cook.

All of this could help me to make my life more fun and exciting without spending the entire day on the internet. I am not saying that I wont be using internet anymore. I love writing my blogs and I don’t consider writing them as a bad thing for me. It is definitely an enlightening activity for me. What I am saying is that I won’t be spending so much time on social media like facebook, tumblr, youtube, twitter, instagram, forums… I can check them out once a day for a few minutes but I can’t spend hours there. That is definitely not good for me and it only makes me feel like I am ruining my life.

Flower-Wallpaper-flowers-249402_1024_768

My problem with studying

I am feeling intense negative emotions when I am learning for my entrance examinations. When I am trying to solve a math problem and I don’t know what to do with it, I start to feel completely frustrated. I feel like I am stupid and I won’t pass the test. I feel  like I am a worthless human being because I am not intelligent enough. I feel that I am not good enough to be accepted for university. I start feeling bored and I seek distractions. I stop focusing on the test and I start to think about millions of other things. At the end of the day I have not completed the test, I feel like crap because I have done nothing productive all day, I feel incredibly stupid and horrible about myself. Whenever I do something what is supposed to be fun I don’t enjoy it fully because I am telling myself that I should be studying. And when I am trying to study I get bored easily and think about all the fun things I could do at the moment. So at the end I feel like I am wasting my life.

It seems that my number one problem is that I feel worthless when I am no table to solve a math problem. I think that more intelligent people are better than less intelligent ones. Therefore I feel like a worse human being when I am no table to understand some things easily.

First of all I should know that people with higher points of IQ aren’t better than people with lower IQ. We are all equal from the perspective of the source. Intelligence does not determine my worth. Little babies don’t know how to solve complicated math problems and still they are worthy. So to judge myself as not good enough because I am not a math genius is completely irrelevant.

And just to make myself feel better, I am not completely stupid. Everyone is good at something. Just because maths isn’t my biggest talent doesn’t mean that I am not smart. To quote Albert Einstein: Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Areas in which I am smart and talented:

  • I have good language skills. I am a good writer.
  • I can learn foreign languages easily. My English is getting really good and I am also very good at German (since I study abroad in this language)
  • I have a good memory and I memorize things easily.
  • I am very emphatic and understand peoples emotions and motives.
  • I am also good at figuring out my own shadow sites and counseling myself.
  • I am good at social sciences.
  • I am not so bad at maths either. In the last year of high school I got best grades.
  • There are people that are so much worse in maths than myself
  • I am good at painting mandalas.

So what do I do to learn more effectively for my exams and have fun with it?

I shouldn’t beat myself up when I don’t know the answer to the question immediately. I am going to tell myself: I am smart enough to figure this out. I will think about it long enough and I will surely find the answer.

I will stop distracting myself from the test. I will be paying attention only to the test. I will take breaks so I don’t get tired too soon. When I finish it I am going to feel good about myself and I will also be able to do all the fun stuff without feeling guilty. That is going to increase my productivity and I won’t feel like I am wasting my life.

vyssizamer

My relationship with my mother – Shadow work

I  never had an ideal relationship with my mother. Our personalities are total opposites. We are so unlike each other. She simply does not understand me. She is more extroverted, I am more introverted. She has millions of friends and gets energized in social situations, I have a very few friends and get energized when I am alone. She is very practical, I am a visionary. She is extremely hyperactive, I work more slowly and ordently.

Since I was little she has always been criticising me. Thanks to her I always believed I was worthless. She thinks that something is wrong with me and I am simply not normal.

When she was younger, she was also interested in spirituality and the new age movement. For 20 years she has been reading all the books on this topic. She was interested in alternative medicine and healthy living. She was the one who got me into spirituality and this kind of things in the first place. But in the past few years her opinion on spirituality has changed. She no longer believes it. She says all of those things do not help at all. She is scared that I will walk in her footsteps. She is scared that I will be fooled as she thinks she was.

It is funny to me how my mother says that these things do not work at all when she is always negatively focused. One of the main ideas of the new age movement is that you manifest yourself what you pay attention to. How can she expect herself to live a happy life with a negative mind? She does not understand that our emotions are our indications of what we are vibrating. She does not know that she is the creator of her own reality. She does not follow any of the basic spiritual principles and then she wonders why aren´t they working. It is obvious to me but she does not believe me. I wish I could help her but she does not accept any help.

Our relationship has slightly improved over the years. She is no longer so harsh on me and I can express my opinion more easily. But still I feel that it could be much better. Sometimes I feel like I hate her. She is a perfect mirror of my own deepest shadows.

So today I have decided to dig deep into this relationship and do some shadow work. I have adopted this process from Teal – The spiritual catalyst. You can learn how to do this process in her Shadow work video. It is called “Finding the suppressed self”.

First of all I am going to list all the qualities about my mother that I dislike so much. This is how I see her from my point of view:

  • She is judgmental and critical of others.
  • She is demanding and controlling.
  • She is the most negative and pessimistic person I know.
  • She always looks for the worst in people.
  • She is cruel and harsh.
  • She is an energy vampire.
  • She likes conflict.
  • She hates herself.
  • She is extremely moody.
  • She thinks everything good in life is over for her.
  • She thinks life is unfair.
  • She believes people are divided into good and bad.
  • She does not believe that dreams can come true.
  • She thinks spiritual methods do not help at all.
  • She believes new age movement is a hoax.
  • She is unreasonable.
  • She must do things her way, she thinks she knows best.
  • She does everything quickly and she stresses everyone around fer.
  • She is disappointed in life and in herself.
  • She gets angry very easily.
  • She cares too much about money.
  • She does not think outside the box.
  • She constantly compares me to other people.
  • She obviously hates me.
  • She is disappointed that she has a daughter like me.
  • She wishes I would be someone else.

Here is a list of what my mother might dislike about me:

  • She is naive.
  • She never expresses any emotions.
  • She lives in an illusion that all people are essentially good and we are all one.
  • She is a chronical worrior.
  • She stresses about everything.
  • She does not see the reality as it is.
  • She is delusional.
  • She is never happy.
  • She hates herself.
  • She is too moral and too kind.
  • She is constantly ill.
  • She catches all the possible diseases.
  • She is incapable of living on her own.
  • She is too depandent on her parents.
  • She is antisocial and has no friends.
  • She does not have a boyfriend and probably never will.
  • She is so weird and unconventional.
  • She is scared of people and talking.
  • She can not defend herself.
  • She cares way too much about others opinions.
  • She does not know how to have fun.
  • She is uptight and too serious.
  • She is constantly learning for school and forgets to live her life.
  • She is too secretive and mysterious.
  • She is cold and inexpressive. She does not talk to me.
  • She hates me.
  • She does not know what life is about.
  • She is a horrible person.
  • She does not even know herself.
  • She is rude and arrogant.
  • She takes her parents care for granted.
  • She cares too much about spiritual stuff.
  • Her head is in the clouds.
  • She does not know how to live in this world.
  • She is lost in life.
  • She has no interests besides angels and fairies.
  • She is stupid and mentally ill.
  • She will not be able to survive on her own.
  • She is stubborn and she does not follow my advice.
  • All of my friends hate her.
  • She does not know how to interact with people.
  • She believes that she creates her own reality which is bullshit.
  • She sees the world through pink colored glasses.
  • She is a terrible procrastinator.
  • She does not get anything done.
  • Her only pleasures in life is internet and eating.
  • She thinks she has friends on the internet but these are no real friends.
  • She will never be able to get a job.
  • She will never finish collage.
  • She is passive and flegmatic.
  • She barely ever leaves her room.
  • She wastes her life completely.
  • She should not have been born.
  • Especially she should not be my daughter.
  • If it was not for her parents, she would not have survived in this world.

Well, if this is what she really thinks about me it is no wonder she worried about me. I look really bad from her point of view.

Now I take the first list and make the worst case scenario of my mothers traits. Here is my list:

  • She tortures others.
  • She points out others flaws and makes them feel like crap.
  • She changes her mood every moment.
  • Everyone hates her.
  • She is like a bomb that can explode every second.
  • She hates her life.
  • She wants to die.
  • She thinks she is the worst mother ever.
  • She hates everyone that is interested in spirituality.
  • She thinks life makes no sense.
  • She believes everyone is egoistical and selfish.
  • She lost her faith in good people.
  • She believes happiness is unachievable.
  • Things must always be done her way.
  • She wants to control my life.
  • She does not believe in my own decisions.
  • She lost all her friends.
  • My parents start hating eachother.
  • She is going to catch an illness and die in pain.
  • She does not accept any help.
  • She only cares for money and material things.
  • She will die in depression.
  • Everyone is going to abandon her.
  • No one can stand her presence.
  • She is never happy.
  • She complains about everything 24/7.
  • Because of her negative focus everything is going to turn out badly for her.

And here is my worst case scenario list:

  • She can not discern between reality and illusion.
  • She believes everything anyone says to her.
  • She can not make any decisions on her own.
  • She ends up with a chronical disease and will be dependant on her parents.
  • She will be incapable to live her life by herself.
  • She will be extremely unssucessful.
  • Everyone is going to use her and fool her.
  • She will never know what friendship is.
  • She will never express her true self.
  • She will never know what fun and excitement means.
  • She will only suffer in life.
  • She will never finish any university.
  • No one likes her.
  • She will never have a boyfriend and children.
  • She will never live on her own and have her own house.
  • We (parents) will be forced to financially support her forever.
  • She will end up in a mental hospital.
  • She will die at young age.
  • She will end up alone and abandoned.
  • Nobody likes her and nobody understands her.
  • She will waste her life completely.

Now I am going to take a tiny dose of my mothers’s traits and see how that could improve my life:

  • If I was a tiny bit controlling, demanding and assertive–> I would stick up for myself. I would be able to ask for things and my needs would be fulfilled. I could set healthy boundaries and feel secure.
  • If I was a tiny bit less serious —> I would have more fun and I would enjoy life more. Other people will feel good around me.
  • If I was a tiny bit unreasonable —> I would know what I need and want, even if in the eyes of others it was stupid, I would stand up for who I am and what matters to me.
  • If I was a tiny bit judgemental and critical —> I would be able to analyze and be more efficient. I would be able to understand how others approach things and adapt. I would not be easily fooled.
  • If I was a tiny bit angry —> I could express myself. I would not keep everything bottled up. I could express how I feel calmly and create healthy boundaries that make me feel comforted.
  • If I was a tiny bit more ‘me knows best’ —> I could share my opinion without fear. I could allow people to take what they want from my help. I could inspire others.

The thing is that at some point in my life I became so scared of what is in the third list (my mothers worst case scenario list), that I have developed a supressed self. I am now out of balance because of this shadow side and resistance that I have towards my mothers traits. My suppressed Identity is the one who is self-expressive, confident and spontanious.

The ways how I supress this identity in my life are:

  • I worry about what other people think.
  • I do what I have to do instead of what I want to do.
  • I am locked into routines.
  • I do not try anything new.
  • I do not express myself.
  • I am insecure about myself.

So what are the ways I could express my supressed identity? Here are a few ideas:

  • I can express what I am feeling by talking.
  • I can try sharing my opinion of certain things. I can start participating in conversations.
  • I can ask for things I need.
  • I can do something for myself that I feel matters to me even though others don’t understand.
  • I could be less serious and live more in the moment.
  • I could talk louder and with more confidence.
  • I could be more cheerful and optimistic.
  • I can do art.

This process was very eye opening for me. Now I understand my mother better. I can see why she is worried about me. If I was in her situation I would probably do the same thing. I have compassion for her now and I no longer feel that strong resistance.

I know this post is very long and probably no one will read it, but the main purpose of this post is my own healing process. It has helped me a lot so I hope it can inspire you to look deep into your own relationships and see what they are telling you about yourself. 🙂

Things I like about my mother:

  • She makes wonderful cakes.
  • She has good sense for beauty.
  • She designs pretty interiors.
  • She can sometimes be nice to people.
  • She cares about her children.
  • She is genuinely worried about me, that is why she gets angry with me so much.

What is shadow work?

All the things that we are experiencing are the result of core beliefs which are beliefs that we have been thinking for so long that it takes no longer conscious effort to think them. Many of our beliefs have become so automatic to us that we are not even aware of them or their origin in the first place. They just are. This shadow beliefs reside in an subconscious mind.

This core beliefs are like roots. If this roots remain undiscovered, they keep growing like weeds into our life. It is never a good idea to try to escape our shadows. Because just like a physical shadow, they move everywhere we go until we shine light on them.

So how to find a core belief?

One way to root out a core belief is to start with a simple judgement. Just pick something you dislike and something you feel resistence to. Then you just have to alternate two questions 1, What does this mean to me? 2, Why would that be so bad? You have to alternate this questions depending which one makes more sense to the statement.

This is my personal example:

I won’t pass an upcoming exam at school.

What does this mean to me?

I will disappoint myself and everyone around me.

Why yould that be so bad?

It would mean I failed.

And why would that be so bad?

If I failed, it means I’m worthless.

The last statement is the core belief I just rooted out. This is the belief that is really manifesting itself in this situation. So when I’m afraid that I won’t pass an exam and feel that internal resistence to it, the belief that is actually active is that I am worthless.

This is just one way how to root out a core belief. We can also use our lifes in a way they are meant to be – they are mirroring our biggest vibrations. We know based on what is manifesting in our lifes what our negative vibrations are. Every single negative thing we experience is an opportunity to do our shadow work.

I was inspired to write this article by Teal Swan – The Spiritual Catalyst. She explains very well what is shadow work and how to do it. This concept I just showed you is one of her methods on rooting out a core belief. In this video she introduces another concept on finding core beliefs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6wDHBt7r5U.

Once we have identified our core belief, we can now consciously change it. I will tell you how to do that next time!