Tag Archive | self hate

A brutally honest post

Today I had a fight with my mother again. That’s nothing strange about that, we fight since I was born at least a few times in a week, depending on how much time we spend with each other. I’m not going to go to great depths about our relationship because I’ve already described it in this article. 

My mother functions for me as my clearest mirror. She reflects to me all the negative beliefs that I have about myself.

This is a list of things she says about me that make me feel bad about myself:

  • She says that I’m a boring person with no opinions
  • She says that I’m not competent and practical enough to live a life
  • She says that I’m not independent enough and I always rely on other people to help
  • She says that I’m not normal because I have no friends and no social life
  • She says I have chosen a horrible field of study and that I will never be able to find a job
  • She says that I will end up poor, alone and unemployed and that I will live with my parents forever
  • She says that I’m not likable enough for people to love me
  • She says that I’m stupid and naive
  • She says that no one will ever love me because I’m too weird and defected
  • She says that I’m lazy and unproductive
  • She says I’m crazy because I spend all of my time at home alone
  • She says that I won’t be accepted to any university because I’m not smart enough
  • She says that I’m not deserving to exist

I’m not making these things up. She literally said all of them straight to my face. And she says them regularly. Now it’s easy to understand why I grew up believing I was a worthless piece of nothing that deserves no love. And everyone treated me that way because that was the vibration I was emitting. I constantly saw proof and evidence of how I was worthless.

It’s like a vicious circle. Once you have a core belief, it manifests itself in all aspects of your life. Your entire reality is based on that belief and you see the evidence supporting that belief everywhere you go. It’s impossible to get out of this vicious circle when you don’t know that your beliefs create your reality. And it’s hard to believe that you create your own reality when you live in a society that conditions you to believe in the exact opposite. It’s easy to believe that life is pointless and the universe is against you.

Today I asked myself what would my mother have to believe to be true in order to say things that she says. This is what I found out:

  • She believes that life is pointless
  • She believes that people are divided in good and bad
  • She believes that some people are born better than the others
  • She believes that the world is a horrible and unfair place
  • She believes that you have to have certain qualities and personality traits in order to be worthy and deserve to exist
  • She believes that life is based on chance and that there are things you can do nothing about
  • She believes that she is not good enough
  • She believes that there are no good things awaiting for her in the future

I came to understanding that I function as a mirror for my mother too. I reflect to her all of her shadow sides. She sees her failures and her biggest fears in me. Just like I see my biggest fears in her. I’m not the only one that is frustrated. She is sad and frustrated as well. She believes that she’s worthless and that she has failed as a mother and in her entire life in general. She has a sad and depressing life. Only suffering creates suffering.

I feel empathy and compassion for my mother. I wish there would be something I could do to help her. I’ve tried many times, but she simply can’t understand my perspective. When she looks at me and my life, she only sees evidence of how she is worthless. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to make her like me, she only sees what she wants to see.

The fact that my mothers comments are making me upset reflects to me that I have to believe in these things too otherwise they wouldn’t hurt me. If I truly didn’t believed any of these things, I wouldn’t have such a strong emotional reaction to them. I would simply recognize that these things have nothing to do with me so why should I bother? So to some degree I must believe in these things or at least I’m afraid that they might actually be true.

I’m going to ask myself this question: What would I have to believe to be true to end up feeling this way?

  • I would have to believe that I might be worthless.
  • I would have to believe that there is something wrong with me.
  • I would have to believe that I’m not smart and good enough.
  • I would have to believe that I don’t deserve love.

It’s true that I mostly believe that I’m worthless. I put myself down and focus primarily on things that I dislike about myself. I worry too much about the future and I always think about how can something go wrong. I feel guilty because of my past and I’m afraid of my future.

I have dedicated many years of my life to self improvement. Since I can remember I always believed that I need to improve myself. I believed that I need to fix myself, because I felt that as I am right now is not good enough. I thought that I need to change my personality in order to be a valuable human being. That’s why I have been interested in self help literature in the first place. I didn’t start to read motivational literature just for fun, I started to read motivational literature to find techniques on how I can restructure myself in order to be worth something.

I’ve tried so hard to make myself a good human being. I read every book and article I could find on self love. I watched all the documentaries and videos on self improvement. I followed all new age spiritual teachers. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to work. Just as I thought that I did it and I no longer have to face the same issues, suddenly everything crashed and I found myself in square one. Nothing has changed. I did this so many times and I always ended up disappointed. I started to use my constant failure as an evidence of my worthlessness, because apparently, I’m not good enough and powerful enough to change it . I thought that something must be horribly wrong with me because I just keep repeating the same mistake all the time.

I’ve never been so obsessed with self love like I’m right now. I’ve made a commitment at the beginning of this year to make self love my priority. Since then, there wasn’t a day I wouldn’t be dealing with self love. I wrote so many articles on how to love yourself,  I even gave advice to some people. One would have thought that I’m a self love expert. And yet, I still have self hating tendencies today.

I know the root of my self hating behavior. When I was cca. 3 years old, I started to feel abandoned by my parents and people around me. As a child I interpreted it as something that I have done wrong. I felt like something must be wrong with me and I started to  believe in it. Because of this I was a very shy child. I started to suppress myself at very young age. Other kids were expressive, cheerful and loud, but I was quiet, I hated games and I looked sad and pessimistic. The teachers in kindergarten didn’t like me and they told my mother that there’s something wrong with me and that I should visit a psychologist. My mother was upset because of it and I blamed myself for making other people sad. I felt like I was a bad and defected person and that everything and everyone is against me. Throughout my whole life, people have been telling me that it’s not good to be shy and afraid. So I started to hate this about myself and I rejected this part of myself. When I was about 10 years old, I started to work on changing myself in order to deserve love and become a valuable person.

But even after all those years of studying self help literature, unhealed wounds from my childhood keep on reappearing in my life. I’m extremely scared of rejection. I can’t stand the feeling of being rejected by someone. I can’t feel worthy when other people disapprove of me. But what I’m afraid the most is my own self rejection. When I’m interacting with someone, it’s not their opinion on me that I’m actually scared of. They don’t even know me, so why should I care? What I’m scared of is that I’m going to disappoint myself. I’m scared that I won’t make the good impression that I desire. In my eyes that’s a failure. And I can’t stand failures. I’m convinced that when I fail, it means that I’m a worthless piece of nothing that doesn’t deserve any love.

I know this sounds pretty cruel. But I’m not overreacting. I believe in my own worthlessness, otherwise I would not react in this way. I wouldn’t feel this way. I understand that I can’t have a feeling about something unless I assign a specific belief to it. I’m experiencing my reality according to my own beliefs and definitions. I understand all of this, theoretically. I see this particular belief as it’s manifesting itself everywhere I look. But why is it so hard to put this theoretical knowledge into practice?

I think I know the answer. I’m berating myself for continuing to buy into those things beyond the point that I recognize that I have the ability not to.

I know that I create my own reality. It’s an undeniable fact to me at this point. And it has been clear to me for a while now. When I first found out about the fact that I create my own reality, first of all I have gotten pretty frustrated because it means that I have created all of this suffering for myself. I could not blame anyone else, it was all my fault. It was my fault that I have attracted to myself such a sad childhood.  But instead of using the knowledge of my own creator power to change my reality into something I would prefer, I was still blaming myself for my past. I didn’t forgive myself, instead I was beating myself up and hating myself for what I have done. In my eyes it was an evidence of how horrible I am.

Well, I can’t say that I haven’t changed at all. Things have changed over the years. I’m not as self hating as I was when I was 12 – 13 years old. I can even write a list of things that I love about myself and that list is gigantic (with more than 100 reasons). I wrote a list of things I hate about myself and I couldn’t come up with more than 8. But even though I have 20 times more reasons to love myself than I have to hate myself, I still focus mainly on the things I hate about myself. I’m so bothered by those few things that I don’t pay attention to any of my wonderful qualities, instead I blame myself for not overcoming those few things that I dislike.

Reasons why I hate myself:

  • I’m shy.
  • I’m afraid to express myself, to open up to people and to show my true self because I fear rejection.
  • I’m secretive and I isolate myself.
  • I obviously can’t change and it doesn’t matter how hard I try.
  • I don’t believe I can achieve anything and I see myself as less then anyone else.
  • I’m a horrible procrastinator.
  • I waste my life.
  • I’m not smart enough.
  • My life is a failure.

I now know the reason why all of my previous attempts to change myself and to improve myself failed. It’s because you can’t overcome what is inside yourself or part of yourself. As soon as you identify with something, it is you. And from that point forward, to try to overcome those things, is to put one part of you at war with another part of yourself.

I was resisting aspects of myself. I tried to avoid certain type of behavior at all costs. This type of behavior was something I strongly identified with. And because I was resisting it so hard, I kept attracting it into my reality. I was resisting myself and that is self-hate, and therefore it is self-destruction.

Now it’s clear to me why I haven’t made any progress in years and why do I still hate myself. Even though I have healed many layers of this issue, it still hasn’t been healed completely. Healing happens in layers, so to expect myself to love myself completely in just few seconds is impossible, especially if I have been hating myself for decades. Today I have reached another stage of healing. Possibly it can be the last stage, since I have just uncovered the root of my problem.

Another reason why self love seems so unachievable to me is because self love is my ultimate goal. Most of the time I’m in pain. Why did I find my way to the spiritual life and to self-help in the first place?  Because for me, happiness is not easy. For me, happiness is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just when it seems like I have found success at last, something happens to separate me from it. It drives me mad.

But why is it so? Deep down, I don’t feel worthy of happiness because I feel like I’m bad or defective. I fear that it is inevitable that the universe already knows that I’m bad and is therefore out to punish me.  And I fear that people will one day discover that I’m bad or that something is wrong with me and abandon me because of it.

So what is the solution for me? How do I finally get out of this vicious circle of self hate?

I have to stop blaming myself, stop blaming everyone or anyone. I just have to understand that I now have the ability to recognize what I prefer and what I don’t. And just because that someone might have taught me more of what I don’t prefer doesn’t mean now that I have to hold on to those beliefs if I really don’t prefer them. I did the best I could. I’m always doing the best I can.

It’s time for me to tell myself a different story, time to be a different story. I don’t have to buy into the old stories if I don’t prefer to. I am old enough to make that decision on my own.

Sorry for this extremely long post. It might have been too depressing but I wrote it the way I truly feel. I don’t expect anyone to read this anyway. I just wrote it for myself because writing about my feelings makes me feel better and I have much more clarity about what I believe to be true about myself. It helps me in my own healing process and what do I know, maybe there are people out there that may be struggling with similar issues as well.


My experience with hating my body

For a long time up until recently, I had hated my body.

While most people hate their body for its certain features, their body frame, or a disdain of their natural body type, my hatred of my body did not stem from any of that. I have always had no problem with my natural appearance, be it my body type, my body frame , my height, nor my facial features.

Rather, my hatred of my body stemmed from my inferiority of my body weight.

I had always felt that I was heavier than I ought to be. While I had never been overweight nor truly “fat” even, I had always wished that I could be lighter. I had always believed that regardless of how I looked, how many people praised me about my appearance, or how heavy (or light) I was, I would be much more attractive if I was slimmer—much slimmer.

A big part of this self-body-hate probably started when I was in primary school.

I recall sitting beside this girl in class who would regularly dissect and disparage her body parts and call herself fat, even though she was so skinny—easily one of the skinniest girls I knew.

At that time, I didn’t understand why she would repeatedly put down her looks like that. Whenever she called herself fat, I would look at myself and wonder why she would think that she is fat, for I weigh more than her.

While I did not hate my body nor think that I was fat in any way then, hearing her constant complaints planted the first seeds of doubt about my body’s integrity. It made me wonder if I was perhaps missing something about my body and that it was not as “okay” or perfect as I thought it was.

These incidents made me subconsciously conclude that being skinny is equivalent to beauty and that to be regarded as beautiful by others, I had to be stick skinny.

Subsequently, I became exposed to projected images of beauty in the mass media on a regular basis. From leggy models, to sharp facial contours, to stick-thin celebrities, these images were repeatedly projected as standards of beauty which all girls should strive for.

Of course, this wasn’t a factor of my concern back then. My only obsession was to be as thin as possible, then evaluate the results later.

To be skinny—that was deemed as a good thing. To not be stick skinny was deemed as being not ”attractive”, not “beautiful”, or even—not deserving of love.

Because I did not conform to the sticky skinny image of beauty, I harbored a deep hatred for my body. I constantly wished that I was thin, thinner than I was, or better yet, thinnest among everyone I knew.

My weight loss journey would be fraught with difficulties for my childhood was laced with emotional eating issues. I constantly ate to feed my emotions, resulting in weight gain over time despite my healthy eating efforts and constant exercising.

Because of my emotional eating issues, weight was frequently an area of contest within myself. I would constantly set goals to lose weight, only to fail one way or another. This would make me hate myself even further, for not being able to achieve my goal.

For the record, my real problem was not in losing the weight. My problem was with sustaining my weight losses, partly due to my emotional eating issues. Regardless of how much weight I would lose during each weight loss endeavor, I would regain my “excess” weight after a while, through one way or other. From gradual regains over the span of months to immediate weight regains in a matter of days, I would always regain my lost weight.

It was almost as if my excess weight had a mind of its own. No matter how many times I lost it, it would find its way to pile itself back onto my body. It was as if I couldn’t run away from it, no matter how hard I tried.

Eventually, I learned to love my body. I just shared with you my own experience. I am sure I am not alone in this and many girls experienced the same thing. So I am here to tell you that it is  possible to love your body. I am going to share with you the process on loving your body in the next post:)