Today I gained a lesson on forgiveness.
I got very angry at my mother. I got angry because she told me I am not good enough to pursue my dreams, that I will never reach my goals and I will end up disappointed in depression. She basically told me that I am not smart enough, not assertive enough and likable enough to be the person that I want to be. When I heard her saying these words I felt this strong internal resistance within myself. I knew that non of these things she is talking about is true. I started feeling anger towards her. How can she be so mean? How can she say such a thing? I know this is completely not true. I know myself better and I know that I definitely can achieve what I desire. I know that I am good enough and smart enough. So why cant she see the real me? Why does she say these kinds of things?
I was angry that she doesn’t acknowledge me and she makes these judgements about me that I know are completely not true. I told myself that I don’t want to be around her anymore. I had this moment when I told myself that I will never speak to her again because she doesn’t deserve my love.
But then after a few hours, I started to shift my perspective. My empathy doesn’t allow me to be angry at someone for very long :D. I have looked at myself from my mothers point of view. Suddenly I understood why she thinks such things about me. She doesn’t see me as I am. I would say that to see someone the way they truly are is impossible. Because when we look at the other person, we look at our own version of them that we have created. The other person is like a hologram. It reflects to us our own belief systems and vibration. When we are imbalanced, we see these traits in others and we judge them in a negative way. This is what my mother is doing. She has a strong imbalance within her being and I function for her as a mirror of her own shadow sides so she can see them clearly and heal them. Unfortunately she doesn’t realize this so she blames me for being a bad daughter and a bad person.
It’s not my fault that my mother sees me in this way. In fact, I can do nothing about it. I could change in every way possible, but if she doesn’t put herself into balance, I will always reflect to her her own imbalances. So I shouldn’t care about my mother opinion on me. What I should care about is my own opinion on myself. That is what determines everything.
So after I realized all of this, I stopped being so angry. And suddenly, another realization hit me. I have realized that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of great power. It’s easy to blame others for the things that we think went wrong in our lifes. But to forgive these people requires a lot of self awareness, strength and compassion.
Suddenly I was able to forgive my mother. Not only for the words she has told me today, but for everything that she has ever done to me that made me feel bad about myself. I understood that it had nothing to do with me and that I simply agreed to adopt her belief systems. It wasn’t her fault that I felt worthless. I have chosen to believe that. No one can force a belief on me. Only I decide what I believe in.
When I forgave her, I felt so much lighter. It was a great moment of relief. I even started to cry because of all the overwhelming and beautiful emotions. I felt love and compassion for myself and for my mother. I saw that our relationship is wonderful in its own way because we both reflect to each other our own shadow sides and we give each other great opportunities for healing.
So don’t hesitate to forgive. It won’t make you a weak person.