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My problem with studying

I am feeling intense negative emotions when I am learning for my entrance examinations. When I am trying to solve a math problem and I don’t know what to do with it, I start to feel completely frustrated. I feel like I am stupid and I won’t pass the test. I feel  like I am a worthless human being because I am not intelligent enough. I feel that I am not good enough to be accepted for university. I start feeling bored and I seek distractions. I stop focusing on the test and I start to think about millions of other things. At the end of the day I have not completed the test, I feel like crap because I have done nothing productive all day, I feel incredibly stupid and horrible about myself. Whenever I do something what is supposed to be fun I don’t enjoy it fully because I am telling myself that I should be studying. And when I am trying to study I get bored easily and think about all the fun things I could do at the moment. So at the end I feel like I am wasting my life.

It seems that my number one problem is that I feel worthless when I am no table to solve a math problem. I think that more intelligent people are better than less intelligent ones. Therefore I feel like a worse human being when I am no table to understand some things easily.

First of all I should know that people with higher points of IQ aren’t better than people with lower IQ. We are all equal from the perspective of the source. Intelligence does not determine my worth. Little babies don’t know how to solve complicated math problems and still they are worthy. So to judge myself as not good enough because I am not a math genius is completely irrelevant.

And just to make myself feel better, I am not completely stupid. Everyone is good at something. Just because maths isn’t my biggest talent doesn’t mean that I am not smart. To quote Albert Einstein: Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Areas in which I am smart and talented:

  • I have good language skills. I am a good writer.
  • I can learn foreign languages easily. My English is getting really good and I am also very good at German (since I study abroad in this language)
  • I have a good memory and I memorize things easily.
  • I am very emphatic and understand peoples emotions and motives.
  • I am also good at figuring out my own shadow sites and counseling myself.
  • I am good at social sciences.
  • I am not so bad at maths either. In the last year of high school I got best grades.
  • There are people that are so much worse in maths than myself
  • I am good at painting mandalas.

So what do I do to learn more effectively for my exams and have fun with it?

I shouldn’t beat myself up when I don’t know the answer to the question immediately. I am going to tell myself: I am smart enough to figure this out. I will think about it long enough and I will surely find the answer.

I will stop distracting myself from the test. I will be paying attention only to the test. I will take breaks so I don’t get tired too soon. When I finish it I am going to feel good about myself and I will also be able to do all the fun stuff without feeling guilty. That is going to increase my productivity and I won’t feel like I am wasting my life.

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Dealing with self worth

Through the process of shadow work I found out that my core belief is “I am worthless”. I can see this core belief being active in many situations in my life. These are a few examples on how is this belief manifesting itself in my life:

  • I care about what other people think of me.
  • I am afraid to express myself.
  • I hate speaking in public.
  • I feel guilty when I make a mistake.
  • I am afraid to talk to other people because I fear rejection.
  • I have no close friends, I keep everything to myself because I am afraid of judgment.
  • I do what other people expect me to do and not what I want to do.

This belief is present in pretty much all of the areas in my life. It is everywhere I go. I deal with it like 100 times per day. Today I am ready to change it. I am going to use Teal Scott’s process on changing a belief.

I have already completed the first step which is identifying the belief. Now I have to decide if this belief is beneficial or detrimental to me. This belief is definitely detrimental. It is limits me in every way. I can not grow into my highest potential as long as I have this belief. It does not allow me to express myself. Because of this belief I always attract people into my life that are making me feel worthless.

Now I have to decide what would I like to believe instead. I would like to believe that I am worthy. I would like to believe that I am enough.

The next step is to determine the emotions that are holding me to the belief. There is always a hidden positive intention behind any belief. If we did not believe that it is in some way, shape or form serving us, it would make no sense to have such a belief. When I am being really honest with myself, I found out, that when I believe that I am worthless I get pity from other people. That pity feels like people care about me. When I think thoughts like “I am not good enough”, I give up the responsibility of having to try something new. I give up the responsibility over my own life and my own decisions. I have to decide if the emotional pay off is worth keeping the emotion or not. To me it is not worth it. I would rather know and express my true worth and people will naturally care about me. I am ready to take the responsibility for my life and try new things.

Now I will seek out alternative evidence and alternative explanations which undermine the validity of my belief “I am worthless”: For years I took my mothers words and actions as a proof that I am worthless. But when I was little and made decisions that were embarrassing to my mother, she was the one who felt worthless. She then yelled at me and expressed her anger, because I made her feel worthless. I simply adopted her own belief.

I had no friends growing up. This one can be easily explained. When I felt like I was not good enough, other kids felt that rejection and that fear that was present within me and they did not bother to talk to me. They were simply reflecting to me my own rejection of self. I know I have the belief that I am worthless for many years now. I am aware of the fact that I can change it. And yet, after all these years, the belief is still here. It means I failed in changing my belief ans that means I am worthless. The reason behind why this belief is still here is because I am invalidating it. I reject it. I say it has no positive meaning, I resist it. And what you resist persists. It does not mean I am worthless.

What I will do now is that I look for evidence and proof to back up the beneficial belief I would rather believe. I ask myself this question: How am I good enough?

  • I have had successes.
  • I successfully completed high school.
  • I am now a collage student.
  • I have people in my life who love me for who I am and appreciate me.
  • I have worth which is inate.
  • Unconditional love is what I was created from.
  • When All That Is created me, it obviously thought I deserved to exist.
  • Therefore I must be equal to every other creation, otherwise I would not have been created.

As the next step I am going to be using affirmations that I do believe. I begin to tell myself things like this on a daily basis: I value myself because I care. I am an interesting person. I know many things that could help other people. I am smart and loving…

The last step is taking some time for my reality to change itself. I can not expect myself to be completely self loving at this moment. When I spent 15 years of my life hating myself, it would be cruel to expect from myself to completely change it in a second. I also can not resist hating myself anymore. Because what we resist persists. My reality will surely change if I allow it to change.

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How to change a belief

Last time I told you what beliefs are. Today I am going to tell you how to consciously change a belief. This process is based on Teal Scott’s teachings on how to change a belief. I find it really helpful and it works for me so I hope it will work for you too. The steps for changing a detrimental belief are:

1. Identify the belief. If you do not know how to do that, read the article on Shadow work that I wrote just recently.
It is important to work with a core belief. For example the thought “I hate speaking in public “is not a core belief. It is an emotional reaction to a core belief. A core belief can be “I am not good enough”. You always want to be working with the root belief when you are dealing with changing your beliefs. Because if you do not, it will just keep coming back.

2. Decide if the belief is beneficial or detrimental to you.

3. Decide what you would rather believe instead. Let your non beneficial beliefs be your inspiration towards beliefs you want to believe.

4. Determine the emotions that are holding you to the belief like glue. Decide if the emotional pay off is worth keeping the belief or not. For example: If I believe that I am not good enough, if I am being really honest about the emotional pay off it might look something like: I get pity when I feel like I am not good enough and that pity feels like people care about me. Or: when I think thoughts like I am not good enough, I give up the responsibility of having to try something new. You have to decide if the emotional pay off is worth the limitations of the beliefs which you are holding. If not, decide you are ready to let go of it. Nothing will help anybody to change something if they do not want to change it.

5. Seek out alternative evidence and alternative explanations which undermine the validity of your detrimental belief. Replace the evidence you’ve been using to back up and support your detrimental belief with evidence that undermines it! For example: If you believe that you are not good enough, this belief may be backed up by this kind of evidence: my mother always told my that I was not good enough. An alternate explanation may be something like this: When I made mistakes, it was an embarrassment to my mother. She was the one who felt as she was not good enough. I simply adopted this belief.

6. Look for evidence and proof to back up the beneficial belief which you would rather believe. And example would be: How am I good enough? I have had successes (you can list them). I have worth which is inate. The things that I have to say could really benefit other people. You want to look at as much proof and evidence that is possible. Make it your focus.

7. Use affirmations that work. These are affirmations which feel good to think, that you DO believe… NOT affirmations which make you more aware of where you aren’t and feel like a lie because they contradict your own sense of intelligence. Because when you believed for decades that you are not good enough and you say something like “I am good enough”, it sounds to you like a lie. You can use things like: I value myself because I care (if you do believe it).

8. Without immediately taking inventory of your reality (out of distrust of the process), simply giveyour self some time to let the new beliefs take root and ALLOW your reality to change. Soon after you change your thoughts, you’ll be looking at tangible proof in a reality that backs up your new thought to such a degree that the new thought will then become a firm belief. But this time, it will be one which benefits you and your life!

My relationship with my mother – Shadow work

I  never had an ideal relationship with my mother. Our personalities are total opposites. We are so unlike each other. She simply does not understand me. She is more extroverted, I am more introverted. She has millions of friends and gets energized in social situations, I have a very few friends and get energized when I am alone. She is very practical, I am a visionary. She is extremely hyperactive, I work more slowly and ordently.

Since I was little she has always been criticising me. Thanks to her I always believed I was worthless. She thinks that something is wrong with me and I am simply not normal.

When she was younger, she was also interested in spirituality and the new age movement. For 20 years she has been reading all the books on this topic. She was interested in alternative medicine and healthy living. She was the one who got me into spirituality and this kind of things in the first place. But in the past few years her opinion on spirituality has changed. She no longer believes it. She says all of those things do not help at all. She is scared that I will walk in her footsteps. She is scared that I will be fooled as she thinks she was.

It is funny to me how my mother says that these things do not work at all when she is always negatively focused. One of the main ideas of the new age movement is that you manifest yourself what you pay attention to. How can she expect herself to live a happy life with a negative mind? She does not understand that our emotions are our indications of what we are vibrating. She does not know that she is the creator of her own reality. She does not follow any of the basic spiritual principles and then she wonders why aren´t they working. It is obvious to me but she does not believe me. I wish I could help her but she does not accept any help.

Our relationship has slightly improved over the years. She is no longer so harsh on me and I can express my opinion more easily. But still I feel that it could be much better. Sometimes I feel like I hate her. She is a perfect mirror of my own deepest shadows.

So today I have decided to dig deep into this relationship and do some shadow work. I have adopted this process from Teal – The spiritual catalyst. You can learn how to do this process in her Shadow work video. It is called “Finding the suppressed self”.

First of all I am going to list all the qualities about my mother that I dislike so much. This is how I see her from my point of view:

  • She is judgmental and critical of others.
  • She is demanding and controlling.
  • She is the most negative and pessimistic person I know.
  • She always looks for the worst in people.
  • She is cruel and harsh.
  • She is an energy vampire.
  • She likes conflict.
  • She hates herself.
  • She is extremely moody.
  • She thinks everything good in life is over for her.
  • She thinks life is unfair.
  • She believes people are divided into good and bad.
  • She does not believe that dreams can come true.
  • She thinks spiritual methods do not help at all.
  • She believes new age movement is a hoax.
  • She is unreasonable.
  • She must do things her way, she thinks she knows best.
  • She does everything quickly and she stresses everyone around fer.
  • She is disappointed in life and in herself.
  • She gets angry very easily.
  • She cares too much about money.
  • She does not think outside the box.
  • She constantly compares me to other people.
  • She obviously hates me.
  • She is disappointed that she has a daughter like me.
  • She wishes I would be someone else.

Here is a list of what my mother might dislike about me:

  • She is naive.
  • She never expresses any emotions.
  • She lives in an illusion that all people are essentially good and we are all one.
  • She is a chronical worrior.
  • She stresses about everything.
  • She does not see the reality as it is.
  • She is delusional.
  • She is never happy.
  • She hates herself.
  • She is too moral and too kind.
  • She is constantly ill.
  • She catches all the possible diseases.
  • She is incapable of living on her own.
  • She is too depandent on her parents.
  • She is antisocial and has no friends.
  • She does not have a boyfriend and probably never will.
  • She is so weird and unconventional.
  • She is scared of people and talking.
  • She can not defend herself.
  • She cares way too much about others opinions.
  • She does not know how to have fun.
  • She is uptight and too serious.
  • She is constantly learning for school and forgets to live her life.
  • She is too secretive and mysterious.
  • She is cold and inexpressive. She does not talk to me.
  • She hates me.
  • She does not know what life is about.
  • She is a horrible person.
  • She does not even know herself.
  • She is rude and arrogant.
  • She takes her parents care for granted.
  • She cares too much about spiritual stuff.
  • Her head is in the clouds.
  • She does not know how to live in this world.
  • She is lost in life.
  • She has no interests besides angels and fairies.
  • She is stupid and mentally ill.
  • She will not be able to survive on her own.
  • She is stubborn and she does not follow my advice.
  • All of my friends hate her.
  • She does not know how to interact with people.
  • She believes that she creates her own reality which is bullshit.
  • She sees the world through pink colored glasses.
  • She is a terrible procrastinator.
  • She does not get anything done.
  • Her only pleasures in life is internet and eating.
  • She thinks she has friends on the internet but these are no real friends.
  • She will never be able to get a job.
  • She will never finish collage.
  • She is passive and flegmatic.
  • She barely ever leaves her room.
  • She wastes her life completely.
  • She should not have been born.
  • Especially she should not be my daughter.
  • If it was not for her parents, she would not have survived in this world.

Well, if this is what she really thinks about me it is no wonder she worried about me. I look really bad from her point of view.

Now I take the first list and make the worst case scenario of my mothers traits. Here is my list:

  • She tortures others.
  • She points out others flaws and makes them feel like crap.
  • She changes her mood every moment.
  • Everyone hates her.
  • She is like a bomb that can explode every second.
  • She hates her life.
  • She wants to die.
  • She thinks she is the worst mother ever.
  • She hates everyone that is interested in spirituality.
  • She thinks life makes no sense.
  • She believes everyone is egoistical and selfish.
  • She lost her faith in good people.
  • She believes happiness is unachievable.
  • Things must always be done her way.
  • She wants to control my life.
  • She does not believe in my own decisions.
  • She lost all her friends.
  • My parents start hating eachother.
  • She is going to catch an illness and die in pain.
  • She does not accept any help.
  • She only cares for money and material things.
  • She will die in depression.
  • Everyone is going to abandon her.
  • No one can stand her presence.
  • She is never happy.
  • She complains about everything 24/7.
  • Because of her negative focus everything is going to turn out badly for her.

And here is my worst case scenario list:

  • She can not discern between reality and illusion.
  • She believes everything anyone says to her.
  • She can not make any decisions on her own.
  • She ends up with a chronical disease and will be dependant on her parents.
  • She will be incapable to live her life by herself.
  • She will be extremely unssucessful.
  • Everyone is going to use her and fool her.
  • She will never know what friendship is.
  • She will never express her true self.
  • She will never know what fun and excitement means.
  • She will only suffer in life.
  • She will never finish any university.
  • No one likes her.
  • She will never have a boyfriend and children.
  • She will never live on her own and have her own house.
  • We (parents) will be forced to financially support her forever.
  • She will end up in a mental hospital.
  • She will die at young age.
  • She will end up alone and abandoned.
  • Nobody likes her and nobody understands her.
  • She will waste her life completely.

Now I am going to take a tiny dose of my mothers’s traits and see how that could improve my life:

  • If I was a tiny bit controlling, demanding and assertive–> I would stick up for myself. I would be able to ask for things and my needs would be fulfilled. I could set healthy boundaries and feel secure.
  • If I was a tiny bit less serious —> I would have more fun and I would enjoy life more. Other people will feel good around me.
  • If I was a tiny bit unreasonable —> I would know what I need and want, even if in the eyes of others it was stupid, I would stand up for who I am and what matters to me.
  • If I was a tiny bit judgemental and critical —> I would be able to analyze and be more efficient. I would be able to understand how others approach things and adapt. I would not be easily fooled.
  • If I was a tiny bit angry —> I could express myself. I would not keep everything bottled up. I could express how I feel calmly and create healthy boundaries that make me feel comforted.
  • If I was a tiny bit more ‘me knows best’ —> I could share my opinion without fear. I could allow people to take what they want from my help. I could inspire others.

The thing is that at some point in my life I became so scared of what is in the third list (my mothers worst case scenario list), that I have developed a supressed self. I am now out of balance because of this shadow side and resistance that I have towards my mothers traits. My suppressed Identity is the one who is self-expressive, confident and spontanious.

The ways how I supress this identity in my life are:

  • I worry about what other people think.
  • I do what I have to do instead of what I want to do.
  • I am locked into routines.
  • I do not try anything new.
  • I do not express myself.
  • I am insecure about myself.

So what are the ways I could express my supressed identity? Here are a few ideas:

  • I can express what I am feeling by talking.
  • I can try sharing my opinion of certain things. I can start participating in conversations.
  • I can ask for things I need.
  • I can do something for myself that I feel matters to me even though others don’t understand.
  • I could be less serious and live more in the moment.
  • I could talk louder and with more confidence.
  • I could be more cheerful and optimistic.
  • I can do art.

This process was very eye opening for me. Now I understand my mother better. I can see why she is worried about me. If I was in her situation I would probably do the same thing. I have compassion for her now and I no longer feel that strong resistance.

I know this post is very long and probably no one will read it, but the main purpose of this post is my own healing process. It has helped me a lot so I hope it can inspire you to look deep into your own relationships and see what they are telling you about yourself. 🙂

Things I like about my mother:

  • She makes wonderful cakes.
  • She has good sense for beauty.
  • She designs pretty interiors.
  • She can sometimes be nice to people.
  • She cares about her children.
  • She is genuinely worried about me, that is why she gets angry with me so much.

What are beliefs?

A belief is basically an assumed truth. Beliefs are not true or false, they are simply beneficial or detrimental. Our lifes always become the manifestation of what we expect according to our beliefs.

A belief is simply a thought which has been thought so often that it has manifested physically into “proof”. That proof strenghtens the thought with acceptance, trust and expectation. That acceptance, trust and expectation in a thought is a belief. Beliefs are only the best available explanation that we have based on the evidence that we have been observing.

In order for our realities and lives to change, we must change our beliefs. The only beliefs that we should be holding are the beliefs which are a benefit to us. In order to manifest things to our reality, the frequency of our desire and the frequency of our belief must be an exact match. If you have the desire for perfect relationship but you have the belief that you do not deserve it, the relationship you want can not show up for you. In order to get that perfect relationship the desire for that relationship and the belief that you deserve that relationship must lign up.

This is an excerpt from Teal Scott’s video on how to change a belief. I find it super helpful so may it inspire you as well:

It is very common in the world that we have today for people to be living lifes which are not aligned with their happiness. You watch people complaining about the way their life is. You watch people who are really holding them back with these beliefs which they have about themselves and about the life that they live. They don’t usually want to take the responsibility, nor do they usually know what is creating the life which they are living because they think that reality is fixed. They think basically that they come here and they are a part of a reality and bad things can happen to them without invitation, without focus. The problem is that that just is not correct.

The way this universe is meant to run is that it is meant to become the reflection of your thoughts and your beliefs. If you are living a life which is anything less than satisfactory and joyful it is because your focus, your thoughts and thus your beliefs are not in alignment with who you really are. And they are not in alignment with what feels good to think.

So if you want your life to be different in any way, shape or form, you have got to change the story that you are telling about your life. And when you change the thoughts that you have are thinking , it will change the way that your reality is structuring itself.

And everyone will stand in amazement wondering how it is that you have created this life of so much bliss and freedom for yourself. And you can turn around and say: It is because I took the initiative to change my thoughts that I was thinking on a daily basis and I took the initiative to change my own beliefs. And when I did that my reality shifted to become the exact reality which I want. I deliberately created it for myself.

It is possible for you all to do this. And it is possible from this place you are in right now. Because your only access of power is right here where you stand.

I will teach you the process of changing a belief next time!:)

Love, Paulina

What is shadow work?

All the things that we are experiencing are the result of core beliefs which are beliefs that we have been thinking for so long that it takes no longer conscious effort to think them. Many of our beliefs have become so automatic to us that we are not even aware of them or their origin in the first place. They just are. This shadow beliefs reside in an subconscious mind.

This core beliefs are like roots. If this roots remain undiscovered, they keep growing like weeds into our life. It is never a good idea to try to escape our shadows. Because just like a physical shadow, they move everywhere we go until we shine light on them.

So how to find a core belief?

One way to root out a core belief is to start with a simple judgement. Just pick something you dislike and something you feel resistence to. Then you just have to alternate two questions 1, What does this mean to me? 2, Why would that be so bad? You have to alternate this questions depending which one makes more sense to the statement.

This is my personal example:

I won’t pass an upcoming exam at school.

What does this mean to me?

I will disappoint myself and everyone around me.

Why yould that be so bad?

It would mean I failed.

And why would that be so bad?

If I failed, it means I’m worthless.

The last statement is the core belief I just rooted out. This is the belief that is really manifesting itself in this situation. So when I’m afraid that I won’t pass an exam and feel that internal resistence to it, the belief that is actually active is that I am worthless.

This is just one way how to root out a core belief. We can also use our lifes in a way they are meant to be – they are mirroring our biggest vibrations. We know based on what is manifesting in our lifes what our negative vibrations are. Every single negative thing we experience is an opportunity to do our shadow work.

I was inspired to write this article by Teal Swan – The Spiritual Catalyst. She explains very well what is shadow work and how to do it. This concept I just showed you is one of her methods on rooting out a core belief. In this video she introduces another concept on finding core beliefs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6wDHBt7r5U.

Once we have identified our core belief, we can now consciously change it. I will tell you how to do that next time!