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How to stop caring about what others think

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld

I have realized how much I cared about other people’s opinions. My entire sense of self worth was dependent on how other people saw me. The more I cared about people’s opinion, the more their opinion was affecting me. Their opinions eventually became my reality. I have made people’s expectations my priority. I ignored my own desires and I never expressed my true ideas and emotions.

I used to take everything personally. Someone could say something to me, and it bothered me all day. As James Frey said: “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” Yes, I that’s exactly what I was, a prisoner. My shyness and my fear of rejection has ruined so many good opportunities. Across the room I saw what could be the person of my dreams, but I didn’t approach because of what a room full of strangers might think if I’m rejected. By caring what these strangers think, I was allowing people I’ll never see again to control my behavior. I could give you millions of other examples similar to this one.

It wasn’t until just recently when I realized what a horrible people pleaser I am. I lived a life of constriction. And to live a life of constriction is to only live a half life. I’ve decided that I don’t want to live this way anymore. I no longer want other people to control my life.

I have realized that when I stop trying to impress others, I can express my true self more fully and connect with people, more genuinely, openly, intimately. The less time and energy I spend on image management, on making my life presentable to others, the more time I can spend on things that really matter.

I came to the conclusion that caring about what other people think about us is completely illogical.

So how can you stop worrying about what people think of you? I’ve made a list of reason that could help you:

1. People will believe what they want to believe

Human beings generally have set prejudices (however ridiculous) about certain things that are hard to change, no matter how much of an effort you make. It is impossible to know exactly what people are thinking, let alone why they’re thinking it.

Although you may be able to influence people’s thoughts with your words or actions, you can only do so up to a certain point. You can never have total control over anyone’s thoughts, no matter how hard you try. So why would you even waste your time bothering to do so? With 7 billion people on the planet, we have 7 billion different sets of preferences. Good luck trying to match up with all of them!

2. People don’t care nearly as much as you think they do

No matter how much people may gossip about you, judge you, or criticize you, we are all pretty self-centered, whether we admit it or not.

It may not necessarily be in a bad or selfish way, but we do tend to give a great deal of importance to ourselves. So the probability is that while you’re busy worrying about what they think of you, they are too busy worrying about themselves to give you any real importance at all.

3. You don’t need anyone’s approval

Being liked, being admired and being praised feels incredible. Gaining someone’s approval through something you’ve done or said is a really great feeling. But since you cannot control anyone’s thoughts, it will eventually drive you insane.

Well, you know what? You don’t need approval as much as you think you do. While being liked feels amazing, what feels even better is being able to accept the fact that some people are going to dislike you no matter what, and being absolutely okay with it because you couldn’t care less.

If people like you better, admire you more and praise you a whole lot due to something you’ve done for yourself, take it as a bonus. Just don’t be a slave to people’s approval. Approval is addictive, and you might very well end up losing yourself in the process of constantly searching for it.

4. What Difference Does it Make to You?

What does it really mean to your life?

If you decide to wear something unusual and you are met with (what you interpret as) a disapproving look from someone else, how does that really affect your life?

Try to think about your answer in tangible terms. Sure, you might be embarrassed momentarily, but five years from now, or even five days from now, how much will their opinions really matter to you?

5. Stop making assumptions

You are not a mind reader. You may think you know what other people think, but unless you ask them directly (and assuming you would get an honest answer), you will never truly know.

6. Life Is Complicated

People have many things going on their lives. They have unfulfilled desires to dream about, worries to worry about, families and to care for, jobs to do and careers to advance, bills to pay, chores to be done, pets to walk, plans to be made, hobbies to indulge, TV and movies to watch, music to listen to, sports to follow, religions to follow and so on.

If people sleep eight hours a day and work another eight, that leaves only another eight hours to devote to those other things.

How much of those eight hours do you think another person would devote to thinking about you and your perceived short-comings?

7. Everybody’s Doing It

Remember that everyone has negative thoughts about other people and themselves from time to time. So when you are worried about someone in particular, remember that they too worry about what someone else thinks of them (maybe even you). They, too, have thought negatively of by someone in their life. And you, too, think negative thoughts about other people from time to time.

8. The people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter don’t mind

There is something about people who dislike you that makes you want to make them like you even more. There is something about people who disapprove of you that makes you want their approval even more badly. Maybe it’s the challenge, maybe you just want to prove them wrong – whatever it is, it’s an endless cycle. Once you impress one person, you’re going to want another person’s approval, and once you get that person’s approval you’re going to want to make some other person like you and so on.

Why bother with them when there are people who like you, and will continue to like you just the way you are? Sometimes we are so focused on people who don’t matter that we end up neglecting the people who do. These are people who are going to support you, care about you and be there for you no matter what. These are people who make you feel good, people you’re comfortable around and don’t need to impress. Figure out who these people are and focus on them instead.

Now, by all means, not caring doesn’t mean becoming an incredibly rude, insensitive and incredibly egoistic person who does whatever they please, because they couldn’t care less about anything or anyone. The idea isn’t to stop caring completely – it’s to stop caring enough to be able to make your own decisions based on your priorities, your values and your ambitions and not other people’s opinions.

Be authentic. Have the courage to allow people to see the real you. Be willing to be judged, and even encourage it. It’s good for self-knowledge and for developing thick skin. As you become and express your best self, others will think great things about you, and the few that don’t won’t matter anyway. If all this is too extreme for you, start by taking small steps. Rather than not caring at all what others think of you, start by just caring less. Be open to what they think and feel, and consider their opinions, but decide for yourself how to act. Care what the important people in your life think, but only those whose opinions you value. Strangers should not get a vote in how you live your life.

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The Secret To Why You Can’t Overcome Your Problems

Today I’m going to share with you an article. It’s a transcript of Teal Scott’s video named “The Secret To Why You Can’t Overcome Your Problems.” If you’re someone that is obsessed with self improvement like I am, I encourage you to read this:

We try to solve our chronic problems. We try to become the people we want to be. But it just doesn’t work. We keep on doing the same things. Why is this the case and what do we do about it? 

Whether you are self-help junkie, or a spiritual connoisseur, or just someone who is curious to hear another perspective on life, one thing is for sure, if you are reading this article, you like the idea of self-improvement. But how do we accomplish this improvement? Everyone seems to have a different answer. But most of these self-improvement techniques don’t work. And they don’t work for one giant reason. They put you at war with yourself. They pit one aspect of yourself against another aspect of yourself. Have you ever noticed that it feels like you cannot overcome your problems no matter how hard you try? Well I’m here to tell you today that you cannot overcome your problems because; you cannot overcome what is inside yourself or part of yourself. As soon as you identify with something, it IS you. And from that point forward, to try to overcome those things, is to put one part of you at war with another part of yourself. Even negative traits (which are part of you) can never be eradicated from you. They can only be transformed into their highest aspect.

When we suppress our emotions, which all of us must do at one point or another in our early lives, those suppressed emotions become part of our personality. Our problems become part of our personality. And as soon as they become part of our personality, they become part of our identity. We begin to see them as ourselves. Resisting any aspect of yourself is asking for emotional disaster. It is self-hate. Regardless of whether you resist something positive within yourself or negative within yourself, it is self-hate, and therefore it is self-destruction.

So what is the solution? The solution is Exaltation. The concept of exaltation is an ancient alchemy concept. Simply put, to exalt something is to transform something into its highest spiritual aspect. For example, the old alchemists thought that the exalted form of metal was gold. If we are to live better lives, where we are not continually made unhappy by our negative personality traits, we must take each personality trait we do not like and first recognize it within ourselves. We must then accept it by both owning it and finding a way to approve of it. And then we must find a way to amplify that personality trait into it’s most in alignment or exalted expression.

Here’s an example of exaltation: Let’s say I felt unloved as a child, and was punished for trying to get the love I needed. I suppressed those feelings of resentment and powerlessness. Over the years, the powerlessness and resentment has become part of my personality. It has caused me to exhibit certain chronic behaviors. Chief among those behaviors, it has caused me to be an energy vampire. Because I believe I am not allowed to ask for the things I need, I manipulate people so I can get the energy I need from them. This personality trait is so much a part of me, that one could say it is part of my personality. I cannot overcome this problem and I can’t eradicate it from my personality. It is part of who I am now. So, my only choice is to take that negative personality trait and make that same personality trait into something positive. Because I am an energy vampire, I am a master at manipulating energy. I could become a brilliant energy worker. I have the capability of consciously pulling in negative energy and transmuting it inside my own body. This means I can feed off of illness and discordant energy rather than stealing life force from people’s bodies. I can manipulate energy to heal people. Also, being an energy vampire, I am a master at mental chess. I play mind games with people. So, the highest aspect of that trait (what we call the exalted aspect) is to play mind games with people that benefit them. I could become a brilliant counselor or psychologist. I could outsmart other people’s egos and help them to see things about themselves that they are totally unaware of.

Describe yourself. What problems do you have? What do you feel are the negative parts of your personality? Be very honest about what traits you don’t like about yourself. Once you have your list, spend some serious time thinking about what the highest and best use of those traits could be. What is the positive exalted form of those negative traits?

Maybe I am dark. The exalted form of being dark could be that I am a brilliant shadow worker. I am a seasoned veteran when it comes to working with the subconscious and with the thoughts that scare people. I can guide people into bringing awareness to and healing whole parts of themselves that they have been trying to avoid. Also, dark energy is powerfully captivating because it frightens people. I can embrace that energy instead of trying to lighten myself up and use it to capture people’s attention and break them out of the monotony of their lives.

Maybe I am anxious. The exalted form of being anxious could be that I am sensitive to the energies around me. I could be a talented interior decorator because I can feel the way that energy moves around a room. I am sensitive to the placement of objects and the influence that colors have on our emotions. I could design homes for people that made them feel exactly how they want to feel upon coming home.

Maybe I am a bully. Bullies push people. The exalted form of being a bully could be that I push people to be their best. I embrace my forceful energy and use it in situations where people could benefit by that force, such as when someone needs especially strong encouragement. Bullies establish dominance within a social group. The exalted version of this dominance is leadership. I embrace my leadership ability and take charge when other people feel as if they need direction. I take initiative. I can rally people to cooperating with one another.

Exalting your negative personality traits and problems is not about going to war with yourself. It is profoundly self hating and counterproductive to want to rid yourself of those traits. It is resistant and whatever we resist, persists. So the key to solving your problems is to find the highest and best use for those so-called negative traits. Fall in love with what you hate about yourself. Turn metal into gold on an internal level. Embrace and own the person that you are. Quit trying to turn yourself into something or someone else.

Source: http://www.thespiritualcatalyst.com/articles/the-secret-to-why-you-can-t-overcome-your-problems

My goals

In my previous article I wrote about my life changing decision. I’ve realized that I have been living a life of constriction. And to live that kind of life is to not let the light of my being to shine through.

I’ve decided to stop procrastinating and to start living my highest potential. And I really mean it. I’m not going to try to do this. I’m committed to it 100% and there’s no going back. There will be no excuses.

When I start doubting myself or when I feel lazy, I’m just going to remind myself that I’ve been given the gift of this life. I have a great potential. I can create a wonderful, exciting life for myself. The only person standing in my way is myself. Will I make the best out of this life, or will I live my life safely…only to arrive at death safely?

I have two options. I can 1) stick to my old habits and patterns, or I can 2) develop new habits that serve my highest good.

When I choose the first option, I’m going to continue doubting myself, I will never try anything new, I won’t be able to find any new friends and make deep bonds with people, I will eventually get sick and fat, I will end up being depressed, deeply disappointed and frustrated in life. Most likely I will never marry and have children, I will have a poor payed job that frustrates me and I will die because of all the pain and sadness.

When I choose the second option, I’m going to be able to accept and love myself for who I am. I will become my best self and reach my highest potential. I will face all the difficulties like they are challenges. I will be able to conquer any fear. I’m going to have many wonderful friends and people. I will inspire people around me. I’m going to have my dream job and I will be able to help people. Most likely I will meet my life partner and we will start a family. I will be healthy and feel good about my body. My life will be a challenging, exciting and ecstatic experience.

I don’t even have to ask myself which option I prefer. Obviously, it’s the second one. I can’t believe I used to be so stupid and I did my best to end up like a person in the first option. Thankfully, now I’m smart enough to realize that I can change my life right here, right now. I’m pursuing my goals and nothing can make me change my mind or stop me from becoming my best self.

Willpower

So, at the beginning, it’s essential to set clear goals. I’m going to list my goals and I’m going to write everything that I will do on a daily basis to reach that goal: I want to be more open as a person. I want to become my true, authentic self.

  • I will share everything that I believe in with other people.
  • I will stop to tone myself down in order to be accepted by others.
  • I will be perfectly honest all the time.
  • I will stop keeping secrets.
  • I will stop isolating myself.
  • I will express my emotions.
  • I will stop trying to fit myself into a life dictated by society.

I want to develop self love and self appreciation.

  • I will live my life according to the question: What would a person that loved themselves do?
  • I will take time to do things that excite me every day.
  • I will celebrate my successes.
  • Whenever I look in the mirror, I will search for things I can appreciate about my body.
  • I will keep a gratitude journal. Every day I will list all the things I’m thankful for.
  • I will be spending my time productively and make myself proud every day.

I want to be accepted for psychology studies.

  • I will summarize one chapter from the psychology book every day.
  • I will summarize one chapter from the social sciences book every day.
  • I will be solving math problems every day.
  • I will train my logical thinking and spatial intelligence.

I want to find a part time job.

  • I will be actively searching for job options every day until I find the best one.
  • I will apply for it and do my best to be accepted.

I want to create and sell my mandalas.

  • I will work on a mandala every day for at least 1 hour.

I want to find friends and meet like minded people.

  • I will go out more and search for like minded individuals.
  • I will be more active on social sites and on my blogs.
  • I will message interesting people daily until I find someone who understands me and with whom I can share my life with.

I want to get in shape and feel good in my body.

  • I will exercise each day for at least 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes in the afternoon.
  • I will take a walk outside each day for at least 15 minutes.

I want to eat healthy food and stop overeating.

  • I won’t eat when I’m not hungry.
  • I won’t eat any chocolates or candies.
  • I will drink more pure water.
  • I will take vitamins every day.

I want to go to bed earlier.

  • I will go to sleep at 10 PM every day.

I want to wake up earlier.

  • I will wake up at 7 AM every day.

A life changing decision

It’s early in the morning.

My alarm goes off.

Beep, beep, beep.

I open my eyes, feeling groggy and disoriented.

Still half-asleep, I try to figure out what’s going on.

Then I remember.

Last night, feeling particularly inspired, I decided I’d get up early and go for a run before starting to work.

Ahhhh shit.

My bed feels so warm, so comfy, like a little cocoon.

I close my eyes again. I know I have to make a decision.

I can take the easy way out, hit snooze and go back to sleep…

Or take the highest road, put on my running shoes, and head out the door.

Every single day, I’m faced with countless little decisions like this one. In these moments, I have to decide between what’s good for me… and what’s easy, comfortable, safe. Individually, most of these decisions are fairly inconsequential. But together, they add up. They compound. And it’s the sum of all these micro-decisions that determines my destiny.

This month, I came down with a severe case of procrastination. Every time I sat down to work, I felt an irresistible urge to check random websites, watch some videos on Youtube, or fire up a quick episode of The Big Bang Theory. Getting myself to do any productive task was a struggle of epic proportions. No matter what I tried, I just couldn’t stop procrastinating.

But then, I’ve realized something very deeply. I’ve realized that I only have this life. And this life is so very short! Right now I am the youngest I will ever be. Time only moves forward. Soon I will be old. How am I going to feel about my life when I continue to live like this? Will I be proud?

If I continued to live my life procrastinating, I would definitely regret many things. I would regret that I was so fearful of judgement of other people that I’ve never made a deep bond with anyone. I would regret that I was too scared to take risks that I ended up living my life safely… only to arrive at death safely. I would regret that I have been ignoring my body and its needs until it got sick. I would regret that I was afraid of failing, so I never tried anything new. I would regret that I believed all my life that I was worthless and lived my life according to that, when at the end it was never true… I would have many regrets. But what would I regret the most is that I knew I had the chance to become great and I have not fulfilled my highest potential.

I have realized how short my life is so deeply that I no longer want to waste a single moment. I now know that I am fully and completely responsible for my life. There’s nothing standing in way between me and my dreams except myself. Its only my choice what do I do with this life.

Right here, right now, as I’m writing this, I’m at a crossroad in my life.

I can stick to my old habits and patterns, knowing deep down I’m not living nearly at the level I’m capable of…

Or I can use this article as a springboard towards greatness by implementing the strategies it contains.

Once I have realized this, the option to go back to the old behavior of procrastinating and avoiding my life just became totally illogical. Why would I continue to do such a thing when I know I can be great?

Today I’m making the decision to change my life in every way. I’m going to master self discipline. I will set goals and fulfill them all. I will celebrate all of my successes. I will dream big. And I’m going to become the best version of myself I could possible be.

Things I love about myself

To be confident enough to acknowledge not only one’s own weaknesses, but also one’s own strengths is admirable. It is also necessary for success. It is a crucial part of self-awareness. All too often we think that the people who are self-aware are the ones who are acutely aware of their foibles.  But he, who is aware of his foibles, may be unaware of his many wonders.  And a person who is unaware of his positive aspects is just as lacking in the area of self-awareness as a person who is unaware of his negative aspects.

This is a sad world that we live in if self-deprecation makes someone “good”. And high self-regard makes someone “bad”. It is no wonder that the root of so many problems here on earth is the lack of self-love. We are confusing self denigration with humility. To regard yourself highly is not necessarily to regard others as low.

I do not think that self-deprecation is an admirable quality. It upsets me that it is the foundation of being liked by others.  Women are the worst when it comes to this. I have observed that if you announce to a woman what you like about yourself, they will look at you with an heir of judgmental disgust. Whereas if you announce to a woman what you hate about yourself, they will rush to your aid by complimenting you and establishing rapport. The lesson we females learn when we are very young, is that the way to get along with other women is to put ourselves down.

Do not mistake self love for narcissism.  It is important to focus on things that cause you to feel good about yourself. Your relationship with yourself is your only guaranteed lifelong relationship.

I am going to make a list of things that I love and appreciate about myself. And I encourage everyone to do the same.

  • I am kind.
  • I am loving.
  • I am adorable.
  • I am inspiring.
  • I am curious.
  • I am intelligent and wise.
  • I am committed.
  • I am genuine.
  • I am original.
  • I am generous.
  • I am fascinating.
  • I am a visionary.
  • I am extremely deep.
  • I care.
  • I am brave.
  • I am sensitive.
  • I am creative.
  • I am compassionate.
  • I am idealist.
  • I am romantic.
  • I empower others
  • I love to laugh.
  • I am a good writer.
  • I am a good listener.
  • I am extremely gracious.
  • I am feminine.
  • I can admit my mistakes
  • I have good taste.
  • I am good at languages.
  • I am good at singing.
  • I am a good hearted person.
  • I am physically beautiful.
  • I am a good friend.
  • I can find beauty in anything.
  • I am interested in life.
  • I am not afraid of the shadow aspects of myself or other people.
  • I am dedicated to decreasing suffering on this planet.
  • I am dedicated to being as conscious and self aware as I possibly can be.
  • I crave to see other people and beings happy and thriving.
  • I can explain well a lot of things.
  • I love being a woman.
  • Bad experiences make me stronger (I am able to learn from them).
  • I focus on my true desires.
  • I am a shining example of how one can change.
  • I am open to new things and new ideas.
  • My connection with the source energy is mystical.
  • I have a bright future ahead of me.
  • I know more secrets about the universe than most people do.
  • I have a great appreciation for life.
  • I am committed to living consciously.
  • I have great imagination.
  • I am willing to say I am sorry.
  • I am willing to admit I was wrong.
  • I am able to experience oneness.
  • I am a stream of consciousness conscious of itself.
  • I am a joyful expression of source energy.
  • I am worthy and deserve love and happiness.
  • I am all and all is me.

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Forgiveness

Today I gained a lesson on forgiveness.

I got very angry at my mother. I got angry because she told me I am not good enough to pursue my dreams, that I will never reach my goals and I will end up disappointed in depression. She basically told me that I am not smart enough, not assertive enough and likable enough to be the person that I want to be. When I heard her saying these words I felt this strong internal resistance within myself. I knew that non of these things she is talking about is true. I started feeling anger towards her. How can she be so mean? How can she say such a thing? I know this is completely not true. I know myself better and I know that I definitely can achieve what I desire. I know that I am good enough and smart enough. So why cant she see the real me? Why does she say these kinds of things?

I was angry that she doesn’t acknowledge me and she makes these judgements about me that I know are completely not true. I told myself that I don’t want to be around her anymore. I had this moment when I told myself that I will never speak to her again because she doesn’t deserve my love.

But then after a few hours, I started to shift my perspective. My empathy doesn’t allow me to be angry at someone for very long :D. I have looked at myself from my mothers point of view. Suddenly I understood why she thinks such things about me. She doesn’t see me as I am. I would say that to see someone the way they truly are is impossible. Because when we look at the other person, we look at our own version of them that we have created. The other person is like a hologram. It reflects to us our own belief systems and vibration. When we are imbalanced, we see these traits in others and we judge them in a negative way. This is what my mother is doing. She has a strong imbalance within her being and I function for her as a mirror of her own shadow sides so she can see them clearly and heal them. Unfortunately she doesn’t realize this so she blames me for being a bad daughter and a bad person.

It’s not my fault that my mother sees me in this way. In fact, I can do nothing about it. I could change in every way possible, but if she doesn’t put herself into balance, I will always reflect to her her own imbalances. So I shouldn’t care about my mother opinion on me. What I should care about is my own opinion on myself. That is what determines everything.

So after I realized all of this, I stopped being so angry. And suddenly, another realization hit me. I have realized that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of great power. It’s easy to blame others for the things that we think went wrong in our lifes. But to forgive these people requires a lot of self awareness, strength and compassion.

Suddenly I was able to forgive my mother. Not only for the words she has told me today, but for everything that she has ever done to me that made me feel bad about myself. I understood that it had nothing to do with me and that I simply agreed to adopt her belief systems. It wasn’t her fault that I felt worthless. I have chosen to believe that. No one can force a belief on me. Only I decide what I believe in.

When I forgave her, I felt so much lighter. It was a great moment of relief. I even started to cry because of all the overwhelming and beautiful emotions. I felt love and compassion for myself and for my mother. I saw that our relationship is wonderful in its own way because we both reflect to each other our own shadow sides and we give each other great opportunities for healing.

So don’t hesitate to forgive. It won’t make you a weak person.

The most beautiful feeling

Today I have been able to see myself in a whole different light. I have never been so proud of myself in my entire life. I have realized that everything that I thought that was bad about me was an illusion. Everything I ever thought was wrong with me never really was wrong.

I cried tears of joy today. I am so happy to be the person that I am. It feels like I am in love with myself. I know it probably sounds super narcissistic but I don’t think is. Just because I think of myself highly doesn’t mean that I think I am better than other people. In fact, the more self loving I am becoming, the more I love and appreciate other people.

It is crazy to me that I used to believe I was worthless. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am a part of the infinite creation. I exist. The simple fact that I exist means that I am worthy. Creation doesn’t create pointless things. If I exist, it means that the creation thinks I am necessary for it to be whole. Without me it would not be “All that is”. It would only be “All that could be”.

I love the person that I am. I wouldn’t want to be anybody else. I enjoy playing this game called life. And I enjoy being this character. I value my gifts that I have been blessed with. I love my personality traits. Everything I used to think was wrong with my personality can actually be seen as a plus and as a strength.

Now I can look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see. I might not be beauty queen by society’s standards, but I am myself. This is my body and the only body I have in this life. It is healthy and functioning. It is perfect for me. I value it for what it is and I wouldn’t change it if I could.

It is my desire for all of you to know how beautiful you are. There is no better feeling than self love and self appreciation. It doesn’t matter what other people are telling you, what society is telling you. There never was and never could be anything wrong with you. You are wonderful, magnificent and perfect from the sources perspective. Your worth is inate. You could never take away from it and you could never add to it. You are allowed to love yourself just as you are in this very moment. It is your choice.

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