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My fandom obsession

The last post was about fandoms. In this one I would like to share with you how my fandom is affecting my life.

I’m not new to fandoms or fangirling. I always got very excited about things that I liked. Even as a child I got obsessed with singers, actors, bands, TV shows or whatever. I was and still am a fan of many things.

But it was cca 3 years ago when I found out what being a hard core fan is like. I started watching a TV show and I really liked it. Then they introduced a new couple on the show. I fell in love with this couple immediately. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term “shipping”. If not, it means that you like the idea of two characters being in a romantic relationship. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual (but come on, who are we kidding:). I totally started to ship them. They became my OTP (One True Pairing – the ship you like the most).

This is all ok. There is nothing wrong when a person likes a relationship of two fictional characters, right? I think what made my obsession much much bigger is joining the internet fandom. The day I discovered tumblr was the day my social life died. I found so many amazing blogs dedicated to my OTP. I started chatting with the owners of these blogs. We were exchanging pictures, videos and gifs. Every day I spent hours and hours on tumblr, reblogging hundreds of gifs.

Then I found out about fan forums. Those are places where people who share a mutual obsession discuss that thing. I loved it because all these people completely understood how I was feeling. We were discussing every single detail of what was going on on our favorite show, we were analyzing every sentence, every scene, everything… We were sharing our opinions, stories and fan art. There was so much going on that I devoted all my free time to this site. I started to do worse at school because I just couldn’t focus on learning. I’d rather spent my time chatting with people on the forums. I also completely sacrificed my social life to it. Who needs real life friends when all the cool people are online?

The day I discovered the site fanfiction.net was the day when I started to abandon all my basic needs. Fan fictions are worse than drugs. You become completely addicted to them. Especially when you find writers that are such geniuses. Some of these stories are better than any book I have ever read in my life. When I found a good fanfic with 50 or more chapters, I read all the chapters in one day. And they were really long. It is like reading a thick book in just one day. The result of this was that I stopped getting sleep. I was so obsessed with what happens in the next chapter that I didn’t care about the fact that I will be tired as a zombie the next day at school.

And this madness went on for months. Throughout the 3 years I had a few breaks with my hard core shipping. Usually I stopped being so obsessed when there were things going on in the show that I didn’t like that much. So I somehow stopped abandoning my basic needs and I started studying like a responsible student. But after some time I always returned to the fandom. It happened to me just recently. I wasn’t following the show for a few months. But a few weeks ago I have watched the episodes I haven’t seen so far. And it was probably the biggest mistake of my life. My obsession returned. I think it is even bigger than ever before. I blame the show for my giant obsession because the things that our fandom was only dreaming about for years became true.

On the day when the newest episode came out I have done NOTHING productive. I watched the episode 3 times in a row, I went on forum and spent 4 hours reading all the amazing posts and chatting with other fans, then I went on tumblr and spent another 3 hours liking and reblogging gifs and pictures. I seriously caught myself staring at some gifs for hours and I’m not kidding you. Then I rewatched my favorite scene from the episode on youtube countless times and spammed the site with comments. And of course I had to watch all other fan videos available. At the end of the day I read some fanfiction that people wrote as the continuation of the epic episode. And when the day was over I realized: I need help. This is not healthy. I literally have done nothing productive all day.

I wish it was just one day. But I found myself repeating these actions 3 days in a row. I know I’m not alone in this. In our fandom it’s a common thing. We all went crazy because of what was happening on the show. We all started abandoning all of our basic needs because of how many times we had to rewatch certain scenes. And it’s not just a thing that happens to teenagers. I know people who are over 30 years old with kids and jobs and they act just like crazy teenage fangirls.

And how do I feel about myself now? I think this gif pretty much sums it up:

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Fandoms of the internet

One thing that I’m really obsessed at the moment is fan culture and specifically fandoms of the internet. If you don’t know what a fandom is, basically it’s a community of fans revolving around a TV show, a movie, a book or something similar to that. Generally fandoms tend to involve people ages 13-21 on average, but anyone could potentially be a part of a fandom if they enjoy something enough.What I would like to talk about today is that you can like something SO MUCH that it actually destroys your life. Let me explain:

If you think you can just waltz into a fandom, that is not how this works. One does not simply join a fandom. It just happens to you. And most of the time, it’s when you least expect it.

Firstly, the person discovers and enjoys the thing. Then the person goes to the internet and has fun finding out about it and people who feel the same way. Person then suddenly becomes aware of that overwhelming perfection and it becomes the main reason for being alive.

Excited Adventure Time

Next thing a person does is surfing the internet for places where you can talk with other people in the fandom (forums), you’re making fan art, you’re reblogging hundreds and hundreds of gifs on tumblr, you may even write some fanfiction. And there is no going back. Once you start having these intense emotions or “feels” for something, its like your soul would have this massive void if you would ever leave the fandom.

It’s kinda like a drug. While fandoms generally don’t cause you any physical harm like real drugs will, they will have an enormous effect on your social life. Do not watch a show or a movie for which you have intense feels around your non fandom friends. If you try to enjoy you’re favorite thing and start feeling your feels around the people who just don’t get it, they will think you’re insane.

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But what is it that turns a person that just likes something into this emotional wreck? It’s the internet! So you watched something that made you feel some feelings. If you didn’t go to the internet and see 10 000 other people feeling the same feelings, it’s a “feelingsplosion”. It’s basically like a group soap opera with ups and downs and fight and drama that at the end of the day is all centered around a mutual obsession over something.

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But the separation between this hard core internet fandom and just a casual real life fan is what amazes me. A casual fan will pretty much just enjoy the thing whilst the internet fan is rocking backwards and forwards in the corner because of all the feelings.

Basically, fandoms are like drugs. You just need that little bit to get you hooked and than a tiny bit more here and there when BAM, suddenly your life is a train wrack. There should seriously be a fandom rehab.

And for anyone who is reading this who doesn’t consider himself a part of fandom like this, you have to understand something: You’re fandom friends really care about this stuff. They actually have emersed themselves so deeply into this world and have invested so many emotions into the characters that they might actually be googling rituals that they can do in order to try to send themseves into that fictional universe and actually live there. Sadly there is no way to do something like that and what’s worse, eventually, you’re going to hit something like a brick wall in your fandom. What I mean by this is you’re watching your favorite TV show and you watch all available episodes and then you find out there is going to be like 6 months or a year before there’s new ones or the series is over, you can almost feel your heart shatter inside of your chest like you have this close group of friends and they all suddenly died. It might differ to you what happens based on your fandom and your level of feels, but regardless of this, you will slip into some kind of a horrible fandom based depression.

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You probably spent the last few minutes going like: “Yes, yes, oh god she understands!” or you’ve been going: “I understand none of this and now I’m scared.” In which case yes, you should be scared.

But what I wanna now is: Are you a member of any fandom? Has it destroyed your life or are you just finding this all terrifying and strange? Let me know down in the comments.

The most beautiful feeling

Today I have been able to see myself in a whole different light. I have never been so proud of myself in my entire life. I have realized that everything that I thought that was bad about me was an illusion. Everything I ever thought was wrong with me never really was wrong.

I cried tears of joy today. I am so happy to be the person that I am. It feels like I am in love with myself. I know it probably sounds super narcissistic but I don’t think is. Just because I think of myself highly doesn’t mean that I think I am better than other people. In fact, the more self loving I am becoming, the more I love and appreciate other people.

It is crazy to me that I used to believe I was worthless. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am a part of the infinite creation. I exist. The simple fact that I exist means that I am worthy. Creation doesn’t create pointless things. If I exist, it means that the creation thinks I am necessary for it to be whole. Without me it would not be “All that is”. It would only be “All that could be”.

I love the person that I am. I wouldn’t want to be anybody else. I enjoy playing this game called life. And I enjoy being this character. I value my gifts that I have been blessed with. I love my personality traits. Everything I used to think was wrong with my personality can actually be seen as a plus and as a strength.

Now I can look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see. I might not be beauty queen by society’s standards, but I am myself. This is my body and the only body I have in this life. It is healthy and functioning. It is perfect for me. I value it for what it is and I wouldn’t change it if I could.

It is my desire for all of you to know how beautiful you are. There is no better feeling than self love and self appreciation. It doesn’t matter what other people are telling you, what society is telling you. There never was and never could be anything wrong with you. You are wonderful, magnificent and perfect from the sources perspective. Your worth is inate. You could never take away from it and you could never add to it. You are allowed to love yourself just as you are in this very moment. It is your choice.

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How I chose my future career

To decide what I want to study was very difficult for me. It is a long story that I am going to share with you today.

When I was a little child I had those crazy expectations that when I grow up I will be a famous singer, actress or a painter. But as I grew older I realized that my voice, acting abilities and painting skills are not above the average. When I was 13 I started to think realistically and I had the idea that I could be a therapist and a healer. Human behavior was always extremely fascinating to me.

But when I told my mom about it she just laughed at me and told me that I’m not that kind of person that could do that. When I was younger I was really insecure about myself, I was very shy and I had social phobia. I believed my mom that I’m not good enough to do that so I gave up that dream.

Last year I had to decide what to study. First of all I wanted to study psychology. My mom wasn’t very excited about that but I wanted to try it. But unfortunately I haven’t passed the entrance exams. So I needed a plan B. I went to study sociology because I thought it was like social work but then I realized that it’s more about politics and things that aren’t so interesting to me. It was clear to me that I need to study something different. So I have considered medicine. My parents always thought I would be a great doctor. I always wanted to help and heal people so medicine looked like a good option for me. I started preparing myself for entrance exams this year. But after a few months I have realized that this is not what I want to do in life. I had to dedicate all my time to learning, memorizing billions of stuff and I had no free time. Life has lost all it’s passion and I began to feel lost.

I felt very frustrated like I couldn’t take it any longer. I decided to do shadow work on myself. I spent many hours writing down my thoughts, analyzing them and questioning them. I have discovered lots of limiting belief systems and definitions. I stopped feeling depressed and I felt like I will discover what I want to do in life very soon.

The first thing I did after shadow work was to visit one website. On this website I found a discussion about choosing the right career. One girl was describing exactly the same career that I always wanted. I just forgot that this is what I want because I was listening to what other people thought I can do and cant rather than listening to myself. Thanks to that website, that discussion and that girl I finally found what my dream career is – I want to be a holistic healer. I want to help people to align with their true selves and to reach their highest potential. I want to work with ordinary people who feel depressed and unsatisfied in their lifes and I want to help them find happiness. I also want to heal people with alternative medicine and with helping them to change their core beliefs that are crating their illness in the first place. I think that to teach people self love and empowerment is the most important thing in today’s society.

So now I finally know what I want to do in my life:). It is very exciting! What I need to do now is to study psychology at a university.Unfortunately, it is not so easy to get accepted because so many people want to study it now days. Last year I did not get accepted for psychology studies in Austria because they only accept 500 people from 8000 applicants. I can only hope that I will go through this year. It is my dream to study there. I could live by myself without my annoying parents, I will get to know many new people and finally have a life on my own. I will also apply for psychology studies in Germany so I have a plan B if Austria would not work out. It is further away form where I live but at least I will not have to see my family too often. In Germany you do not have to do entrance exams, you get admitted by your grades. I had pretty good grades all my life so I hope that I will get accepted at least at one of those universities. My plan c is to go to study in Czech republic. Here are entrance examinations very hard but at leas I will try them. I will also apply for a university in my own country but I will only attend it when all the other options fail. And if none of these things work out for me I guess I will have to study sociology. But I hope that will not be the case. I will do anything to get accepted for the Austrian and German universities. The entrance examinations are in september 2014 so I have lots of time to prepare.

I am so happy to now have a goal in my life. It feels like I finally found myself and my purpose. I hope it will work out for me and I will get accepted, earn a bachelors and then a masters degree and eventually stat my own business. But that is many years in the future because to earn masters lasts at least 6 years.

So wish my luck on my journey towards my dream!

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My relationship with my mother – Shadow work

I  never had an ideal relationship with my mother. Our personalities are total opposites. We are so unlike each other. She simply does not understand me. She is more extroverted, I am more introverted. She has millions of friends and gets energized in social situations, I have a very few friends and get energized when I am alone. She is very practical, I am a visionary. She is extremely hyperactive, I work more slowly and ordently.

Since I was little she has always been criticising me. Thanks to her I always believed I was worthless. She thinks that something is wrong with me and I am simply not normal.

When she was younger, she was also interested in spirituality and the new age movement. For 20 years she has been reading all the books on this topic. She was interested in alternative medicine and healthy living. She was the one who got me into spirituality and this kind of things in the first place. But in the past few years her opinion on spirituality has changed. She no longer believes it. She says all of those things do not help at all. She is scared that I will walk in her footsteps. She is scared that I will be fooled as she thinks she was.

It is funny to me how my mother says that these things do not work at all when she is always negatively focused. One of the main ideas of the new age movement is that you manifest yourself what you pay attention to. How can she expect herself to live a happy life with a negative mind? She does not understand that our emotions are our indications of what we are vibrating. She does not know that she is the creator of her own reality. She does not follow any of the basic spiritual principles and then she wonders why aren´t they working. It is obvious to me but she does not believe me. I wish I could help her but she does not accept any help.

Our relationship has slightly improved over the years. She is no longer so harsh on me and I can express my opinion more easily. But still I feel that it could be much better. Sometimes I feel like I hate her. She is a perfect mirror of my own deepest shadows.

So today I have decided to dig deep into this relationship and do some shadow work. I have adopted this process from Teal – The spiritual catalyst. You can learn how to do this process in her Shadow work video. It is called “Finding the suppressed self”.

First of all I am going to list all the qualities about my mother that I dislike so much. This is how I see her from my point of view:

  • She is judgmental and critical of others.
  • She is demanding and controlling.
  • She is the most negative and pessimistic person I know.
  • She always looks for the worst in people.
  • She is cruel and harsh.
  • She is an energy vampire.
  • She likes conflict.
  • She hates herself.
  • She is extremely moody.
  • She thinks everything good in life is over for her.
  • She thinks life is unfair.
  • She believes people are divided into good and bad.
  • She does not believe that dreams can come true.
  • She thinks spiritual methods do not help at all.
  • She believes new age movement is a hoax.
  • She is unreasonable.
  • She must do things her way, she thinks she knows best.
  • She does everything quickly and she stresses everyone around fer.
  • She is disappointed in life and in herself.
  • She gets angry very easily.
  • She cares too much about money.
  • She does not think outside the box.
  • She constantly compares me to other people.
  • She obviously hates me.
  • She is disappointed that she has a daughter like me.
  • She wishes I would be someone else.

Here is a list of what my mother might dislike about me:

  • She is naive.
  • She never expresses any emotions.
  • She lives in an illusion that all people are essentially good and we are all one.
  • She is a chronical worrior.
  • She stresses about everything.
  • She does not see the reality as it is.
  • She is delusional.
  • She is never happy.
  • She hates herself.
  • She is too moral and too kind.
  • She is constantly ill.
  • She catches all the possible diseases.
  • She is incapable of living on her own.
  • She is too depandent on her parents.
  • She is antisocial and has no friends.
  • She does not have a boyfriend and probably never will.
  • She is so weird and unconventional.
  • She is scared of people and talking.
  • She can not defend herself.
  • She cares way too much about others opinions.
  • She does not know how to have fun.
  • She is uptight and too serious.
  • She is constantly learning for school and forgets to live her life.
  • She is too secretive and mysterious.
  • She is cold and inexpressive. She does not talk to me.
  • She hates me.
  • She does not know what life is about.
  • She is a horrible person.
  • She does not even know herself.
  • She is rude and arrogant.
  • She takes her parents care for granted.
  • She cares too much about spiritual stuff.
  • Her head is in the clouds.
  • She does not know how to live in this world.
  • She is lost in life.
  • She has no interests besides angels and fairies.
  • She is stupid and mentally ill.
  • She will not be able to survive on her own.
  • She is stubborn and she does not follow my advice.
  • All of my friends hate her.
  • She does not know how to interact with people.
  • She believes that she creates her own reality which is bullshit.
  • She sees the world through pink colored glasses.
  • She is a terrible procrastinator.
  • She does not get anything done.
  • Her only pleasures in life is internet and eating.
  • She thinks she has friends on the internet but these are no real friends.
  • She will never be able to get a job.
  • She will never finish collage.
  • She is passive and flegmatic.
  • She barely ever leaves her room.
  • She wastes her life completely.
  • She should not have been born.
  • Especially she should not be my daughter.
  • If it was not for her parents, she would not have survived in this world.

Well, if this is what she really thinks about me it is no wonder she worried about me. I look really bad from her point of view.

Now I take the first list and make the worst case scenario of my mothers traits. Here is my list:

  • She tortures others.
  • She points out others flaws and makes them feel like crap.
  • She changes her mood every moment.
  • Everyone hates her.
  • She is like a bomb that can explode every second.
  • She hates her life.
  • She wants to die.
  • She thinks she is the worst mother ever.
  • She hates everyone that is interested in spirituality.
  • She thinks life makes no sense.
  • She believes everyone is egoistical and selfish.
  • She lost her faith in good people.
  • She believes happiness is unachievable.
  • Things must always be done her way.
  • She wants to control my life.
  • She does not believe in my own decisions.
  • She lost all her friends.
  • My parents start hating eachother.
  • She is going to catch an illness and die in pain.
  • She does not accept any help.
  • She only cares for money and material things.
  • She will die in depression.
  • Everyone is going to abandon her.
  • No one can stand her presence.
  • She is never happy.
  • She complains about everything 24/7.
  • Because of her negative focus everything is going to turn out badly for her.

And here is my worst case scenario list:

  • She can not discern between reality and illusion.
  • She believes everything anyone says to her.
  • She can not make any decisions on her own.
  • She ends up with a chronical disease and will be dependant on her parents.
  • She will be incapable to live her life by herself.
  • She will be extremely unssucessful.
  • Everyone is going to use her and fool her.
  • She will never know what friendship is.
  • She will never express her true self.
  • She will never know what fun and excitement means.
  • She will only suffer in life.
  • She will never finish any university.
  • No one likes her.
  • She will never have a boyfriend and children.
  • She will never live on her own and have her own house.
  • We (parents) will be forced to financially support her forever.
  • She will end up in a mental hospital.
  • She will die at young age.
  • She will end up alone and abandoned.
  • Nobody likes her and nobody understands her.
  • She will waste her life completely.

Now I am going to take a tiny dose of my mothers’s traits and see how that could improve my life:

  • If I was a tiny bit controlling, demanding and assertive–> I would stick up for myself. I would be able to ask for things and my needs would be fulfilled. I could set healthy boundaries and feel secure.
  • If I was a tiny bit less serious —> I would have more fun and I would enjoy life more. Other people will feel good around me.
  • If I was a tiny bit unreasonable —> I would know what I need and want, even if in the eyes of others it was stupid, I would stand up for who I am and what matters to me.
  • If I was a tiny bit judgemental and critical —> I would be able to analyze and be more efficient. I would be able to understand how others approach things and adapt. I would not be easily fooled.
  • If I was a tiny bit angry —> I could express myself. I would not keep everything bottled up. I could express how I feel calmly and create healthy boundaries that make me feel comforted.
  • If I was a tiny bit more ‘me knows best’ —> I could share my opinion without fear. I could allow people to take what they want from my help. I could inspire others.

The thing is that at some point in my life I became so scared of what is in the third list (my mothers worst case scenario list), that I have developed a supressed self. I am now out of balance because of this shadow side and resistance that I have towards my mothers traits. My suppressed Identity is the one who is self-expressive, confident and spontanious.

The ways how I supress this identity in my life are:

  • I worry about what other people think.
  • I do what I have to do instead of what I want to do.
  • I am locked into routines.
  • I do not try anything new.
  • I do not express myself.
  • I am insecure about myself.

So what are the ways I could express my supressed identity? Here are a few ideas:

  • I can express what I am feeling by talking.
  • I can try sharing my opinion of certain things. I can start participating in conversations.
  • I can ask for things I need.
  • I can do something for myself that I feel matters to me even though others don’t understand.
  • I could be less serious and live more in the moment.
  • I could talk louder and with more confidence.
  • I could be more cheerful and optimistic.
  • I can do art.

This process was very eye opening for me. Now I understand my mother better. I can see why she is worried about me. If I was in her situation I would probably do the same thing. I have compassion for her now and I no longer feel that strong resistance.

I know this post is very long and probably no one will read it, but the main purpose of this post is my own healing process. It has helped me a lot so I hope it can inspire you to look deep into your own relationships and see what they are telling you about yourself. 🙂

Things I like about my mother:

  • She makes wonderful cakes.
  • She has good sense for beauty.
  • She designs pretty interiors.
  • She can sometimes be nice to people.
  • She cares about her children.
  • She is genuinely worried about me, that is why she gets angry with me so much.

My story

Today I’m going to tell you my story.

I was an extremely shy kid. I was afraid to express myself. I kept everything to myself. I showed a passive attitude towards everything. I had absolutely no friends. Everyone thought that something was wrong with me. Teachers told my mother to bring me to a therapist because I didn’t behave like other kids.

I don’t know why I behaved like this since such an early age. But I know it wasn’t natural to me. I wasn’t happy as a child. I lived in constant fear of rejection. I was afraid to talk to anyone because I thought I wasn’t worthy of their time. I thought I don’t deserve anything. The belief that something is wrong with me was so very present within my being even at the age of 3. And because I believed it so strongly, my outside reality couldn’t do anything else but to reflect to me my own feelings of rejection. Everyone was telling me I wasn’t alright. For me it was a confirmation that I was born unworthy and suffering is all that I deserved.

I have to ask myself how did I even started to think I was unworthy at the age of 3? How did I come to believe such a thing? I think it was based on how I interpreted things that were going on around me. When I was 2.5 years old, my brother was born. Suddenly all the attention turned to him. Until then I was used to get all of the attention. I used to talk a lot, I was a loud and cheerful. But when he was born, everyone seemed to care about him. I felt rejected. I felt like I have done something wrong. I started feeling unworthy. Now I know my parents still loved me, they just didn’t have time to care about me all the time. But when I was little I didn’t understand that and I interpreted it in my own way.

The belief of being unworthy grew even stronger when I was in elementary school. I still had no friend, all the kids made fun of me. Teachers didn’t like me because I was always quiet and I didn’t seem to be very smart. The worst year for me was in 4th grade. My family moved to a different city and I had to visit different school. Since day one all my classmates hated me and made fun of me. I was being bullied in school every day. Life became hell for me. When I came home from school I didn’t feel the support from my family. I never told them about anything that I was experiencing. It’s like I lived in a shell, I created my own world. In my mind I wasn’t worthy of anything and I believed that everything  that was happening to me I deserved completely.

After one year I left that school and went to gymnasium. Everyone was surprised that I passed the entrance exams including my family, because they thought I wasn’t especially smart. I thought that maybe I will find some friends in the new school. But unfortunately I wasn’t popular there at all. No one wanted to be my friend and kids were laughing at me. I was disappointed, but it only convinced me that I am less then the others.

I few years went by like this. Then I started exploring spirituality and I started reading motivational and self help literature. I learned that I am the creator of my own reality and that I’m unconditionally loved. Of course I didn’t understand it fully in just one day. You don’t go from the vibration of total powerlessness to total self acceptance so easily. Healing happens in layers. It took me years to integrate it into my life. That is when life started to get better for me. I was no longer in such a victim mentality so I attracted myself a few friends. We were all the outsiders in school and the weirdos but that is what brought us together. I created a blog 5 years ago where I started to write about my experiences and opinions. Thanks to internet a get to know many interesting people. For the first time in my life I felt like I belong somewhere and I’m not alone in this.

Since then my life is getting better and better. I can tell that I’m a completely different person. I’m much closer to my true self. I know I’m not quite there yet but I’m on a right track. And I enjoy this ride we call life. Now I know that all of my childhood experience was a part of the plan. I think that one of the primary intentions I had for this life before I even manifested in this physical body was to know my true worth. And how would I know what being worthy is if I didn’t experience the feeling of being unworthy? With my childhood I have created for myself the perfect contrast for everything I needed to learn. Now when I have gone through feelings of total powerlessness and victim mentality and healed myself, I can use my knowledge to help others find their true self and reach their highest potential. An there is nothing I would love to do more than this! 🙂