Yes, I’m alive. I know I haven’t posted anything on this blog for 2 years and for that I apologize. I do not expect to have any readers at this point so I don’t care if no one ever sees this, I’m just writing this for myself.
I’ve decided to write something here because writing has always been my passion. I’ve had a blog since I was a teenager and nothing makes me happier than reflecting on things and writing my thoughts down. But I haven’t done much writing in the past two years. A few years ago I’ve tried to manage a website. I was pressuring myself to publish articles at least 3 times a week. Soon enough I ran out of ideas. I didn’t know what to write about, so I had to force myself to do it and it wasn’t fun at all. Writing didn’t make me happy anymore because I was forcing myself to write even when I wasn’t in the mood. That’s why I would always stop publishing articles after some time and take a long break.
This break lasted 2 years and a lot of things in my life have changed. I’m not the same person that was there 2 years ago. I’ve gone through things that changed me forever. I don’t live in the same environment as I did 2 years ago, I surround myself with different people and some of my values and priorities have changed. I got into my first relationship, I’ve put all my time and trust into this relationship, moved in with this person, planned my future with this person only for this relationship to fall apart in the most unpleasant way. This has left me in a personal crisis for almost a year.
But after analysing and getting through the trauma of a difficult relationship I have gotten back on track. I once again recognize the importance of self awareness and self reflection. When I was in a relationship, I expected the other person to fulfil all of my needs and I didn’t work on myself at all. After the relationship fell apart and left me devastated, I had no other choice than to come back to myself. I had to put the broken pieces of myself back together. I started to dig deeper and deeper and look for the real reasons why I act the way I act. I’m basically doing the same thing I did 2 years ago but on a much deeper level. I’m once again looking for my core beliefs and examining my motives. I almost forgot how much fun I had while doing it. But at the same time it is exhausting and I have to reserve special time in my day to question my thought, my motives and my emotions.
Self awareness takes a lot of effort and hard work. To be self aware is not something that you reach one day and you can retire for the rest of your life. Self awareness is a lifelong practice. If one wants to be self aware, he has to commit to it 100%.
During the last few months I’ve spent a lot of time doing shadow work. I have put together an entire word document I’ve called “Self awareness document” that now has over 130 pages. It contains a lot of self reflection, a lot of questioning of beliefs, examining of values. The only goal of the document is to bring the subconscious of my mind to the light of consciousness and to deliberately change my beliefs so they work in my best interest. A lot of the information in this document is very private, but I believe that some chapters might be useful for others as well, so I’m going to share a few of them with you in the future.
If you’re wondering why am I making so many grammar mistakes, it’s because English is not my first language. My native language is Slovak and in the past few years I have concentrated on studying German and Spanish and my English has greatly suffered. That’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t posted on this website for so long – I’m a perfectionist and I don’t like to put out content that not 100% grammatically correct. I haven’t spoken English in a while and I know my English is rubbish. But hopefully you get what I’m trying to say even when I don’t write like a native speaker would. Now I care a lot less about being grammatically correct, about publishing regularly and writing articles that attract a lot of people. I’m not going to put so much pressure on myself anymore. I have only sat down to write this because I’m excited to do so and writing makes me happy. My happiness is my number one priority so I don’t care what anyone else thinks and I’m going to put out what I want, when I want it and how I want it.
So, the point of this article is to let you know I’m still alive, I might from time to time publish an article if I’m passionate about doing so and I’m looking forward to share some life lessons and discoveries I’ve made in the past 2 years with you :).