The complete surrender

Today is the day when I allow myself to be completely honest with me for the first time. All my life I’ve been running away from the truth of how I feel. I couldn’t handle the emotions which were present with me. I was in denial, always trying to convince myself that I feel better. To me feeling bad meant failure. I could never admit to where I was in life. I always lied to myself that everything is alright, when in fact everything inside me was screaming for help. I was terrified, unhappy, frustrated and desperate, but I could never admit it. Today I sit here and I can say it out loud: I feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, fearful and unhappy.

This article is going to be full of honesty. That’s why it’s probably not going to be so well structured as the others. But I need to get these emotions out. I need let myself feel them for the first time.

The thing I am most terrified of is rejection. I can’t handle rejection. I’m scared to death that people won’t like me and they will run away from me. This fear has its core in my childhood when I felt rejected and unloved by my parents. And this deep childhood wound is now projecting itself into my adulthood. I’m scared that every single person I meet is going to disapprove of me. I’m a huge people pleaser. The only way I know how to get love is from the outside. That’s  why I care about other people’s opinions so much. I need to be adored by everyone, otherwise I feel worthless. I sacrifice myself for other people, I always do everything other person asks me to do just to be approved of and validated.

I feel so empty like there is something missing. Since I can remember I’ve always felt like this. It feels like a hole in my chest. No matter what I do I can’t find a way to fill it up. It’s always there and it bothers me. I feel like its eating me alive. I can’t escape it. It will find me wherever I go.

I feel like I’m not living my life like I should be. I feel like I don’t deserve to live on this planet. I’m a student and my parents provide me with money. I have a lot of free time and I do nothing. I don’t have many friends and I never go out. I don’t have a job and I procrastinate all the time. I’m wasting my life aimlessly surfing the internet all day long. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do in life. I feel like I’m already half dead. Nothing exciting ever happens.

I live with a chronic feeling of shame. I’m ashamed to be who I am. I’m ashamed of how I live. I’m ashamed of how I feel. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I don’t feel like I fit it. I don’t feel like I contribute to society in any way. I feel like a burden. I feel like a waste of space. I feel like I bother everyone in my life. I’m a burden for my parents that pay me for living. I am a burden for everyone who crosses my path. Nobody likes me. They all think something is wrong with me. It’s always been like this. People would meet me for the first time and then they would ask my mom what is wrong with me. Why am I so shy and so scared? Why am I so quiet? Why does my voice sound so weak and shaky? What kind of a problem do I have?

In my life I have only met with disapproval and rejection from other people. I’ve never had friends. I never felt like I belonged. Life was hell for me in kindergarten. I was the kid that was hiding in the corner all the time, I didn’t talk to anybody and my teachers were concerned about my mental health. Since I can remember me and my mother have been visiting one therapist after another and no one could tell me why have I ended up like this. I always felt like there is something wrong with me. And everyone treated me that way. I hated school. All the way from elementary school to high school it was the same thing. I was the most unpopular kid in class. I was bullied and everyone laughed at me. Everyone made fun of my fear. They knew that I was scared. I desperately tried to play it cool and act normal, but the harder I tried the more obvious it was how I was afraid. I couldn’t stop my face from turning red. My voice always sounded shaky and I was stuttering all the time. I couldn’t get a word out of me that would  sound normal. I couldn’t say anything, that’s why I was always silent. All I wanted was to disappear. I wanted to be invisible, that’s why I was always hiding somewhere in the back. I knew everyone in school hated me. No one was there to support me or defend me when they were laughing at me. Everyone had fun while watching me fail. My life was a joke for everybody.

My relationship with my parents was never what I wanted it to be. I intellectually knew that they love me, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel seen, heard or understood. My mother always meant well, but she made me feel worthless all the time. She is a master in invalidation. Everything I do, think or say she invalidates. She never approved of who I was and always compared me to other kids complaining why am I not like them. Why am I so scared, so weak, so quiet? I felt rejected by my mother. When I came home from school after a hard day of school, all that she did was to yell at me afterwards. She always disapproved of something in me.

I have always been completely alone. I never had anyone in my life that I could open up to. I felt like an alien in this world. I had no idea what I was doing here. I felt so separated. Nobody understood me. I had no relationships whatsoever. I only interacted with my parents, my siblings and people who bullied me at school. I had no support or understanding from anybody. I felt like a burden. Like my existence bothers people around me. I wanted to go away. Disappear. The world would be better without me.

My life has changed a lot since I started collage. I no longer feel so worthless and suicidal anymore. I believe that I there lies a bright future ahead of me. I even made a few friends. People don’t laugh at me anymore and I am not the least favorite person in school. People are starting to like me. I am slowly beginning to let myself be seen. It’s a long process but surely I will get there. I express my opinions and I’m not so afraid to talk when I have something to say. But I still get nervous around people. It isn’t as bad as it used to be, but it still bothers me. I wish it would go away. I still don’t live my authentic life. I still sacrifice myself and abandon myself for the sake of others. I don’t want to do that. I want to learn how to love myself. I want to be true to myself and stop caring what other people think. I want to be confident and happy. And I want it sooo much. My desire is as big as this entire universe. And I get so upset when I look at my life as it is and compare it to what I want it to be. That’s what’s holding me back.

It feels like all of these negative emotions which I’ve been trying to suppress will always find me no matter how hard I try to escape them. If I choose to run, there is no way out, I’m caught in a an endless cycle. I’m starting to see that there is nothing left to do. Running away doesn’t seem like a good choice anymore. I know I will never escape. The only thing I can do is to surrender to my emotions. I need to let them take me. I’m afraid that they will kill me, but even death is better than living a half life. I don’t want to limit myself in any way. I don’t want to numb my emotions anymore. Because when I numb the negative ones, I also numb the positive ones. From now on I will allow myself to feel anything. Every emotion belongs to me and it is supposed to be here with me now. I am willing to feel absolutely everything. I invite all kinds of emotions to overwhelm me and shatter me to my core. I’m ready to die.

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3 thoughts on “The complete surrender

  1. I absolutely loved, LOVED what you’ve written.
    Guess what, you’re not being rejected because you feel in a certain way now! At least by one person.
    I feel relieved to see there are more people like me…
    And PS, I just finished watching The Feeling Process video of Teal Swan’s, and wrote her quote to my blog 🙂 Reading your blog was a nice synchronicity afterwards.

  2. Oh and another thing;
    My inner child has been dancing around since I’ve read your blog. Because believe it or not, I feel the EXACT same way. I resonate with every single word you’ve written. I finished reading every sentence saying in my mind “Yes! This too! I feel it too!”
    The same things have happened, and are happening in my life. I feel constant shame too. All my life, I’ve felt like there’s something wrong with me.
    But now I feel a sense of recognition, cause the child that felt shame is recognized and validated even more when I read your blog.
    That being said.. You can open up to me because I feel like you’re a mirror to me. Contact me in any way you wish to.

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