Archive | May 2015

The complete surrender

Today is the day when I allow myself to be completely honest with me for the first time. All my life I’ve been running away from the truth of how I feel. I couldn’t handle the emotions which were present with me. I was in denial, always trying to convince myself that I feel better. To me feeling bad meant failure. I could never admit to where I was in life. I always lied to myself that everything is alright, when in fact everything inside me was screaming for help. I was terrified, unhappy, frustrated and desperate, but I could never admit it. Today I sit here and I can say it out loud: I feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, fearful and unhappy.

This article is going to be full of honesty. That’s why it’s probably not going to be so well structured as the others. But I need to get these emotions out. I need let myself feel them for the first time.

The thing I am most terrified of is rejection. I can’t handle rejection. I’m scared to death that people won’t like me and they will run away from me. This fear has its core in my childhood when I felt rejected and unloved by my parents. And this deep childhood wound is now projecting itself into my adulthood. I’m scared that every single person I meet is going to disapprove of me. I’m a huge people pleaser. The only way I know how to get love is from the outside. That’s  why I care about other people’s opinions so much. I need to be adored by everyone, otherwise I feel worthless. I sacrifice myself for other people, I always do everything other person asks me to do just to be approved of and validated.

I feel so empty like there is something missing. Since I can remember I’ve always felt like this. It feels like a hole in my chest. No matter what I do I can’t find a way to fill it up. It’s always there and it bothers me. I feel like its eating me alive. I can’t escape it. It will find me wherever I go.

I feel like I’m not living my life like I should be. I feel like I don’t deserve to live on this planet. I’m a student and my parents provide me with money. I have a lot of free time and I do nothing. I don’t have many friends and I never go out. I don’t have a job and I procrastinate all the time. I’m wasting my life aimlessly surfing the internet all day long. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do in life. I feel like I’m already half dead. Nothing exciting ever happens.

I live with a chronic feeling of shame. I’m ashamed to be who I am. I’m ashamed of how I live. I’m ashamed of how I feel. I don’t feel like I’m good enough. I don’t feel like I fit it. I don’t feel like I contribute to society in any way. I feel like a burden. I feel like a waste of space. I feel like I bother everyone in my life. I’m a burden for my parents that pay me for living. I am a burden for everyone who crosses my path. Nobody likes me. They all think something is wrong with me. It’s always been like this. People would meet me for the first time and then they would ask my mom what is wrong with me. Why am I so shy and so scared? Why am I so quiet? Why does my voice sound so weak and shaky? What kind of a problem do I have?

In my life I have only met with disapproval and rejection from other people. I’ve never had friends. I never felt like I belonged. Life was hell for me in kindergarten. I was the kid that was hiding in the corner all the time, I didn’t talk to anybody and my teachers were concerned about my mental health. Since I can remember me and my mother have been visiting one therapist after another and no one could tell me why have I ended up like this. I always felt like there is something wrong with me. And everyone treated me that way. I hated school. All the way from elementary school to high school it was the same thing. I was the most unpopular kid in class. I was bullied and everyone laughed at me. Everyone made fun of my fear. They knew that I was scared. I desperately tried to play it cool and act normal, but the harder I tried the more obvious it was how I was afraid. I couldn’t stop my face from turning red. My voice always sounded shaky and I was stuttering all the time. I couldn’t get a word out of me that would  sound normal. I couldn’t say anything, that’s why I was always silent. All I wanted was to disappear. I wanted to be invisible, that’s why I was always hiding somewhere in the back. I knew everyone in school hated me. No one was there to support me or defend me when they were laughing at me. Everyone had fun while watching me fail. My life was a joke for everybody.

My relationship with my parents was never what I wanted it to be. I intellectually knew that they love me, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel seen, heard or understood. My mother always meant well, but she made me feel worthless all the time. She is a master in invalidation. Everything I do, think or say she invalidates. She never approved of who I was and always compared me to other kids complaining why am I not like them. Why am I so scared, so weak, so quiet? I felt rejected by my mother. When I came home from school after a hard day of school, all that she did was to yell at me afterwards. She always disapproved of something in me.

I have always been completely alone. I never had anyone in my life that I could open up to. I felt like an alien in this world. I had no idea what I was doing here. I felt so separated. Nobody understood me. I had no relationships whatsoever. I only interacted with my parents, my siblings and people who bullied me at school. I had no support or understanding from anybody. I felt like a burden. Like my existence bothers people around me. I wanted to go away. Disappear. The world would be better without me.

My life has changed a lot since I started collage. I no longer feel so worthless and suicidal anymore. I believe that I there lies a bright future ahead of me. I even made a few friends. People don’t laugh at me anymore and I am not the least favorite person in school. People are starting to like me. I am slowly beginning to let myself be seen. It’s a long process but surely I will get there. I express my opinions and I’m not so afraid to talk when I have something to say. But I still get nervous around people. It isn’t as bad as it used to be, but it still bothers me. I wish it would go away. I still don’t live my authentic life. I still sacrifice myself and abandon myself for the sake of others. I don’t want to do that. I want to learn how to love myself. I want to be true to myself and stop caring what other people think. I want to be confident and happy. And I want it sooo much. My desire is as big as this entire universe. And I get so upset when I look at my life as it is and compare it to what I want it to be. That’s what’s holding me back.

It feels like all of these negative emotions which I’ve been trying to suppress will always find me no matter how hard I try to escape them. If I choose to run, there is no way out, I’m caught in a an endless cycle. I’m starting to see that there is nothing left to do. Running away doesn’t seem like a good choice anymore. I know I will never escape. The only thing I can do is to surrender to my emotions. I need to let them take me. I’m afraid that they will kill me, but even death is better than living a half life. I don’t want to limit myself in any way. I don’t want to numb my emotions anymore. Because when I numb the negative ones, I also numb the positive ones. From now on I will allow myself to feel anything. Every emotion belongs to me and it is supposed to be here with me now. I am willing to feel absolutely everything. I invite all kinds of emotions to overwhelm me and shatter me to my core. I’m ready to die.

Advertisements

Safety

Most of the time when I feel something negative I feel like a want to run away from it. I just wish it would go away. But I’ve been getting better at hiding this even from myself. Because I think that I should not want escape my emotions. Instead I should already know how to be present with them. I intellectually understand that to end all of my suffering I need to let myself suffer. But right now I don’t want to suffer. I just want it to end. And I don’t want to go through the hell of unpleasant emotions. I feel like they are killing me inside and if I felt them, I wouldn’t survive. Even though at many points in my life I was able to be present with myself when I was feeling negative emotion and what I discovered was that they didn’t kill me. I felt an overwhelming feeling of inner peace and satisfaction. It felt like liberation. So I understand that that’s the answer to the question how to end suffering. But what I do is that I push myself to let myself feel my emotions. Ironically, I push myself to feel because I don’t want to feel. All I want to do is to escape the truth of how I’m feeling right now.

I sat down with myself and I asked myself: “Why do I feel the need to run away from my negative emotions?”. I sat there being completely open to any answer I could receive. I just wanted to know and to be as present with me as I could. The answer I received was: “To keep me safe”. At first this answer has surprised me. How could that be true? How does it keep me safe? And then it hit me.

When was the first time I didn’t let myself feel what I felt? When I was a little child and my feelings were invalidated by adults who thought they knew better than me. The first time someone told me that my anger isn’t right and I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I’ve learned to disapprove of this emotion. I promised to myself to never express my anger and to deny its existence as much as I could. And why did I do this? To be safe.

I’ve learned that the only way how I could survive in this world was when other people approved of me. Therefore they had to approve of my emotions. If I showed them a feeling they didn’t like, for me it meant that I won’t get love from them. Not to get love means not to survive. My young self had no other choice than to conform to society’s idea of perfection to get love. I had to hide my negative feelings. And not only was I hiding them, I also resisted them. Whenever they would come up I would feel like a failure, because I felt something that wasn’t acceptable. If I feel something which is wrong, it means that I am wrong.

The real reason why I don’t allow myself to feel bad is because this unwillingness to feel keeps me safe. It ensures that I won’t die. It keeps me alive. It is a safety mechanism my little self adopted to survive in this world. What an innocent reason, right?

And this applies to everything. Every single seemingly destructive behavior we have is fundamentally here to keep us safe. It is as simple as that. All of our pain, all of our suffering is here because at some point in our lives it made us feel safe. It is true that when we grow up this safety mechanisms become far more destructive. The thing that initially kept us safe now kills us from the inside.

So many of us will sabotage themselves in life. We stay in our comfort zone and we never dare to take risks that could take us to a life of our dreams. We are so scared of failing that we never try anything new. We are convinced that when we live like this we will at least survive. We fail to notice that because of this our lives are slipping through our fingers. We live our lives only to discover that we have arrived to death safely.

But to free ourselves from the prison of these safety mechanisms we must recognize them for what they are and how are they serving us. We will never let them go if we fight them, if we want to desperately get rid of them and when we invalidate them. This wall that we built that now keeps us from living the life we want was once here to keep us safe. And it didn’t go away. It is still here for the same reason. It is time that we see it for what it truly is and give it the approval and love it deserves. Once we fall in love with the wall, it no longer bugs us and the wall has no need to be there.