There are certain things in this life that I am good at. Hell, even great at. I’m a good painter. I’m good at writing. I like to think I’m alright at putting outfits together. I am a nice person and get on with most people. I was always a fast and competent reader as a child. I can paint my nails really well, and I don’t even care if that doesn’t count because MAN ALIVE have I seen some terrible manicures in my time.
But one thing I am totally, utterly and unbelievably terrible at is dancing.
I’m soo bad that when I was 8 years old I got kicked out of a dancing class. Probably you’re asking yourselves how exactly does a 8 year old get kicked out from a class? Let me tell you how: I attended this course for little girls where we learned how to dance. My mom used to be a professional dancer when she was younger, so she was very excited to put me in this class in hope that one day I will become a dancer too. But soon her dreams were crashed because I’m nothing like my mom. I might be the worst dancer in existence. I couldn’t get any steps right. My movements weren’t fluid and when I danced it just looked horrible. Worse than horrible. I danced like I was being attacked by a horde of bees.
My teacher and other kids saw that I’m extremely bad at dancing, but at the beginning they were optimistic that it will get better over time. But I attended this course for over a year and no sign of improvement could be seen. I annoyed my dance instructor every single time. She yelled at me in front of everyone and singled me out. Every other kid in class hated me because I was the reason why the teacher had to repeat each dance move at least 3 times more and I still never got it right.
One day we had to perform in front of quite a big audience. All of our parents, friends and relatives were here. When we were performing I was in the corner, but it didn‘t help because after a while I became the center of everyone‘s attention. No one was paying attention to girls that were dancing normally anymore. Everyone was staring and pointing their fingers at me asking themselves: “What is wrong with that girl over there? What is she doing?” I literally screwed up every single dance move I could and I looked like a totally retarded person.
It was not the adorable kind of awkward where you would say: “Oh, she’s just shy, it’s her first performance, at least she’s trying, that‘s cute.” It was more like: “What the hell is wrong with this girl? What does she think shes doing? Someone kick her out so she stops ruining this dance for everyone”. After our failed performance, my teacher came to me and told me and my mom that she wishes I stopped attending this dance class. She was trying to be polite but I could sense that what she meant by this is that I’m so bad at dancing that it’s painful to look at me and to teach me anything is completely impossible. My mom was disappointed because I won’t be following her footsteps and I was disappointed in myself too, because I failed at everything. On the other hand I was quite happy that I didn‘t have to attend that course anymore because I hated it every single second of it.
Since this incident happened, I avoided dancing as much as I could. I haven‘t danced until I was 15 years old and we had dancing lessons in high school. These lessons were designed to teach young people how to ballroom dance so we know how to dance in formal situations with a partner. I don‘t know what was I thinking when I agreed to attend these lessons. Probably I forgot how bad it was when I was 8 years old. But after my first dance lesson in school I knew that I haven‘t gotten any better. I again couldn‘t get any steps right.
Everyone seemed to get it quickly and I was the only one standing there with a WTF face not knowing what to do. It got even worse after a few lessons when we had to dance with partners. It was always so awkward when the dance instructor told the guys to come to girls and ask them to dance. All guys were so shy and they were just standing there and looking at girls like were the scariest creatures ever. But after some time they got used to it and all girls had dance partners. Except for me. I was always the only one that no guy ever asked for a dance (which after seeing my dancing “abilities” is perfectly understandable). So I usually ended up in a pair with the dance instructor himself. And that was the horror. Because now I couldn‘t hide in a corner and act like I don‘t exist. Instead I had to stand in the middle of a huge hall and the dance instructor was teaching the steps on me. And that was so embarrassing. Everyone could see how bad I am and I couldn‘t understand how to repeat the steps he was showing me. I could hear some people in the audience laughing at my awkwardness. I felt like a complete piece of shit. And this happened many lessons in a row. Every single time we were asked to find dance partners, I was the only one without a partner so I always ended up with the instructor and I always embarrassed myself in front of more than hundred people. My school reputation was before very bad but after this, I became the center of everyone‘s jokes. For me it wasn‘t funny at all.
When the lessons ended after a few months, I was relieved. Did I learn something? NO. Until this day I have absolutely no idea how to do waltz, tango, quickstep, anything… And I guess that I never will.
I’m terrible at every damn sport I play. In school during sport lessons we usually played volleyball, football or basketball. But I have a problem:
I can’t shoot in basketball, or dribble.
I can’t catch or throw a damn football.
I can’t even hit the ball in tennis.
Seriously, I just am the worst sports player ever. It’s so annoying when everyone’s looking at you and you drop a football, an easy catch and everyone starts laughing at you. I embarrassed myself in front of people countless times because of this.
The teacher always picked two captains and let them choose people for their teams. And guess who always got picked as the last one? You guessed well, it was me… EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because the team I was in automatically lost just because of me. There were no exceptions to this rule. During those 8 years I spent playing team sports with my classmates, there was not one single time a team I was in won.
I think my horrible sports skills should be considered as a special power. I have never seen anyone who would always manage to screw everything up so magnificently. Even the teachers were always amazed by my inability to catch a ball and when they saw me playing for the first time, they looked with this stare like they‘ve never see anything like this before.