A brutally honest post

Today I had a fight with my mother again. That’s nothing strange about that, we fight since I was born at least a few times in a week, depending on how much time we spend with each other. I’m not going to go to great depths about our relationship because I’ve already described it in this article. 

My mother functions for me as my clearest mirror. She reflects to me all the negative beliefs that I have about myself.

This is a list of things she says about me that make me feel bad about myself:

  • She says that I’m a boring person with no opinions
  • She says that I’m not competent and practical enough to live a life
  • She says that I’m not independent enough and I always rely on other people to help
  • She says that I’m not normal because I have no friends and no social life
  • She says I have chosen a horrible field of study and that I will never be able to find a job
  • She says that I will end up poor, alone and unemployed and that I will live with my parents forever
  • She says that I’m not likable enough for people to love me
  • She says that I’m stupid and naive
  • She says that no one will ever love me because I’m too weird and defected
  • She says that I’m lazy and unproductive
  • She says I’m crazy because I spend all of my time at home alone
  • She says that I won’t be accepted to any university because I’m not smart enough
  • She says that I’m not deserving to exist

I’m not making these things up. She literally said all of them straight to my face. And she says them regularly. Now it’s easy to understand why I grew up believing I was a worthless piece of nothing that deserves no love. And everyone treated me that way because that was the vibration I was emitting. I constantly saw proof and evidence of how I was worthless.

It’s like a vicious circle. Once you have a core belief, it manifests itself in all aspects of your life. Your entire reality is based on that belief and you see the evidence supporting that belief everywhere you go. It’s impossible to get out of this vicious circle when you don’t know that your beliefs create your reality. And it’s hard to believe that you create your own reality when you live in a society that conditions you to believe in the exact opposite. It’s easy to believe that life is pointless and the universe is against you.

Today I asked myself what would my mother have to believe to be true in order to say things that she says. This is what I found out:

  • She believes that life is pointless
  • She believes that people are divided in good and bad
  • She believes that some people are born better than the others
  • She believes that the world is a horrible and unfair place
  • She believes that you have to have certain qualities and personality traits in order to be worthy and deserve to exist
  • She believes that life is based on chance and that there are things you can do nothing about
  • She believes that she is not good enough
  • She believes that there are no good things awaiting for her in the future

I came to understanding that I function as a mirror for my mother too. I reflect to her all of her shadow sides. She sees her failures and her biggest fears in me. Just like I see my biggest fears in her. I’m not the only one that is frustrated. She is sad and frustrated as well. She believes that she’s worthless and that she has failed as a mother and in her entire life in general. She has a sad and depressing life. Only suffering creates suffering.

I feel empathy and compassion for my mother. I wish there would be something I could do to help her. I’ve tried many times, but she simply can’t understand my perspective. When she looks at me and my life, she only sees evidence of how she is worthless. It doesn’t matter how hard I try to make her like me, she only sees what she wants to see.

The fact that my mothers comments are making me upset reflects to me that I have to believe in these things too otherwise they wouldn’t hurt me. If I truly didn’t believed any of these things, I wouldn’t have such a strong emotional reaction to them. I would simply recognize that these things have nothing to do with me so why should I bother? So to some degree I must believe in these things or at least I’m afraid that they might actually be true.

I’m going to ask myself this question: What would I have to believe to be true to end up feeling this way?

  • I would have to believe that I might be worthless.
  • I would have to believe that there is something wrong with me.
  • I would have to believe that I’m not smart and good enough.
  • I would have to believe that I don’t deserve love.

It’s true that I mostly believe that I’m worthless. I put myself down and focus primarily on things that I dislike about myself. I worry too much about the future and I always think about how can something go wrong. I feel guilty because of my past and I’m afraid of my future.

I have dedicated many years of my life to self improvement. Since I can remember I always believed that I need to improve myself. I believed that I need to fix myself, because I felt that as I am right now is not good enough. I thought that I need to change my personality in order to be a valuable human being. That’s why I have been interested in self help literature in the first place. I didn’t start to read motivational literature just for fun, I started to read motivational literature to find techniques on how I can restructure myself in order to be worth something.

I’ve tried so hard to make myself a good human being. I read every book and article I could find on self love. I watched all the documentaries and videos on self improvement. I followed all new age spiritual teachers. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing seemed to work. Just as I thought that I did it and I no longer have to face the same issues, suddenly everything crashed and I found myself in square one. Nothing has changed. I did this so many times and I always ended up disappointed. I started to use my constant failure as an evidence of my worthlessness, because apparently, I’m not good enough and powerful enough to change it . I thought that something must be horribly wrong with me because I just keep repeating the same mistake all the time.

I’ve never been so obsessed with self love like I’m right now. I’ve made a commitment at the beginning of this year to make self love my priority. Since then, there wasn’t a day I wouldn’t be dealing with self love. I wrote so many articles on how to love yourself,  I even gave advice to some people. One would have thought that I’m a self love expert. And yet, I still have self hating tendencies today.

I know the root of my self hating behavior. When I was cca. 3 years old, I started to feel abandoned by my parents and people around me. As a child I interpreted it as something that I have done wrong. I felt like something must be wrong with me and I started to  believe in it. Because of this I was a very shy child. I started to suppress myself at very young age. Other kids were expressive, cheerful and loud, but I was quiet, I hated games and I looked sad and pessimistic. The teachers in kindergarten didn’t like me and they told my mother that there’s something wrong with me and that I should visit a psychologist. My mother was upset because of it and I blamed myself for making other people sad. I felt like I was a bad and defected person and that everything and everyone is against me. Throughout my whole life, people have been telling me that it’s not good to be shy and afraid. So I started to hate this about myself and I rejected this part of myself. When I was about 10 years old, I started to work on changing myself in order to deserve love and become a valuable person.

But even after all those years of studying self help literature, unhealed wounds from my childhood keep on reappearing in my life. I’m extremely scared of rejection. I can’t stand the feeling of being rejected by someone. I can’t feel worthy when other people disapprove of me. But what I’m afraid the most is my own self rejection. When I’m interacting with someone, it’s not their opinion on me that I’m actually scared of. They don’t even know me, so why should I care? What I’m scared of is that I’m going to disappoint myself. I’m scared that I won’t make the good impression that I desire. In my eyes that’s a failure. And I can’t stand failures. I’m convinced that when I fail, it means that I’m a worthless piece of nothing that doesn’t deserve any love.

I know this sounds pretty cruel. But I’m not overreacting. I believe in my own worthlessness, otherwise I would not react in this way. I wouldn’t feel this way. I understand that I can’t have a feeling about something unless I assign a specific belief to it. I’m experiencing my reality according to my own beliefs and definitions. I understand all of this, theoretically. I see this particular belief as it’s manifesting itself everywhere I look. But why is it so hard to put this theoretical knowledge into practice?

I think I know the answer. I’m berating myself for continuing to buy into those things beyond the point that I recognize that I have the ability not to.

I know that I create my own reality. It’s an undeniable fact to me at this point. And it has been clear to me for a while now. When I first found out about the fact that I create my own reality, first of all I have gotten pretty frustrated because it means that I have created all of this suffering for myself. I could not blame anyone else, it was all my fault. It was my fault that I have attracted to myself such a sad childhood.  But instead of using the knowledge of my own creator power to change my reality into something I would prefer, I was still blaming myself for my past. I didn’t forgive myself, instead I was beating myself up and hating myself for what I have done. In my eyes it was an evidence of how horrible I am.

Well, I can’t say that I haven’t changed at all. Things have changed over the years. I’m not as self hating as I was when I was 12 – 13 years old. I can even write a list of things that I love about myself and that list is gigantic (with more than 100 reasons). I wrote a list of things I hate about myself and I couldn’t come up with more than 8. But even though I have 20 times more reasons to love myself than I have to hate myself, I still focus mainly on the things I hate about myself. I’m so bothered by those few things that I don’t pay attention to any of my wonderful qualities, instead I blame myself for not overcoming those few things that I dislike.

Reasons why I hate myself:

  • I’m shy.
  • I’m afraid to express myself, to open up to people and to show my true self because I fear rejection.
  • I’m secretive and I isolate myself.
  • I obviously can’t change and it doesn’t matter how hard I try.
  • I don’t believe I can achieve anything and I see myself as less then anyone else.
  • I’m a horrible procrastinator.
  • I waste my life.
  • I’m not smart enough.
  • My life is a failure.

I now know the reason why all of my previous attempts to change myself and to improve myself failed. It’s because you can’t overcome what is inside yourself or part of yourself. As soon as you identify with something, it is you. And from that point forward, to try to overcome those things, is to put one part of you at war with another part of yourself.

I was resisting aspects of myself. I tried to avoid certain type of behavior at all costs. This type of behavior was something I strongly identified with. And because I was resisting it so hard, I kept attracting it into my reality. I was resisting myself and that is self-hate, and therefore it is self-destruction.

Now it’s clear to me why I haven’t made any progress in years and why do I still hate myself. Even though I have healed many layers of this issue, it still hasn’t been healed completely. Healing happens in layers, so to expect myself to love myself completely in just few seconds is impossible, especially if I have been hating myself for decades. Today I have reached another stage of healing. Possibly it can be the last stage, since I have just uncovered the root of my problem.

Another reason why self love seems so unachievable to me is because self love is my ultimate goal. Most of the time I’m in pain. Why did I find my way to the spiritual life and to self-help in the first place?  Because for me, happiness is not easy. For me, happiness is like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just when it seems like I have found success at last, something happens to separate me from it. It drives me mad.

But why is it so? Deep down, I don’t feel worthy of happiness because I feel like I’m bad or defective. I fear that it is inevitable that the universe already knows that I’m bad and is therefore out to punish me.  And I fear that people will one day discover that I’m bad or that something is wrong with me and abandon me because of it.

So what is the solution for me? How do I finally get out of this vicious circle of self hate?

I have to stop blaming myself, stop blaming everyone or anyone. I just have to understand that I now have the ability to recognize what I prefer and what I don’t. And just because that someone might have taught me more of what I don’t prefer doesn’t mean now that I have to hold on to those beliefs if I really don’t prefer them. I did the best I could. I’m always doing the best I can.

It’s time for me to tell myself a different story, time to be a different story. I don’t have to buy into the old stories if I don’t prefer to. I am old enough to make that decision on my own.

Sorry for this extremely long post. It might have been too depressing but I wrote it the way I truly feel. I don’t expect anyone to read this anyway. I just wrote it for myself because writing about my feelings makes me feel better and I have much more clarity about what I believe to be true about myself. It helps me in my own healing process and what do I know, maybe there are people out there that may be struggling with similar issues as well.

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One thought on “A brutally honest post

  1. I haven’t used “blame” to label anything in years. It’s a false word that has zero meaning to me and here’s why. My friend once asked me the most important question of my life, and I changed in an instant over it. “Can anyone you are able to think of, anyone alive or dead, fictional or not, MAKE you do something you do not want to do?” After thinking about it for a minute I finally answered, “No, I guess not.”Congratulations!!” said he, “everything is now your fault, all of it.” I had two words for him and one began with “F.” There are no situations we are forced into, everything is a choice. If a person is holding a gun to my wife’s head and says “Take this drink or I’m pulling the trigger” do I have a choice? Yes. Granted, it’s a crappy choice, but the choice exists nonetheless. Made my life a whole lot less complicated and easy to manage when I came to realize I was the only force attracting either negativity or harmony into my life. No one can influence me without my permission. Look on my blog and read the entry called “Coming Full Circle” and you’ll see what I mean. Life will hand you all kinds of rewards, I believe that. I know you do too.

    With Love and Compassion, Daniel Andrew Lockwood

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