Archive | February 2014

Social awkwardness

Today I’m going to talk to you about a topic I myself have mastered. It’s social awkwardness.

Signs that you are socially awkward:

  • Your idea of an epic Saturday night is a night inside surfing the internet or reading.
  • You go to great lengths to avoid answering the house phone. This includes bothering someone in the shower.
  • When you enter a room full of people you’re not so familiar with, you constantly ask the earth (in your mind, of course) to open up and swallow you
  • You tell jokes you think are absolutely hilarious, but no one laughs.
  • You quickly change the subject when someone asks you ‘What did you do this weekend?’
  • You avoid eye contact.
  • You get excited/ feel proud of yourself when you have a natural conversation with a stranger.
  • Your phone has lost it’s purpose.
  • You plan conversations in your head and never say them in real life.
  • You ask your parents for a new phone and they say, ‘Why? Who’re you going to call?’
  • You don’t spend a lot of time on Facebook because you’re worried a doomed message will pop up saying ‘Hi!’
  • You see someone you know on the bus and try and hide around the corner.
  • Someone says hi to you and rather than saying hi back, you let out a nervous squeak and fast walk away.
  • When your friend talks to someone you don’t know, you stand still and don’t utter a word, reassuring yourself that it’ll all be over soon.
  • People tell you interesting  and crazy stories of their own life, you tell them interesting and crazy stories from a book you read

I love the socially awkward penguin meme. I find it hilarious maybe because I can relate to every single one. Oh god help me!

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Overcoming my internet addiction

I feel bad. I dislike this feeling. I have been feeling like this for two days now. Sometimes it is better and sometimes it is worse, it depends on what I am paying attention to at the moment.

It is fascinating to me how fast my emotions change. Last week was totally amazing. I have been so happy like never before. Life felt like ecstasy. And somehow a few days later I feel so frustrated like I have ruined my life. It is overwhelming how things can change.

So what is it that is creating this pain within my being? Obviously I must have some definitions and belief systems that are out of alignment with my natural self. Lets find out what these definitions are!

The first question I should ask myself is when do I feel this intense negative emotions and why?

I feel bad when I spend too much time on fan forum, when I watch too many youtube videos, when I read too much fanfiction and when I spend too much time (basically the entire day) on the internet. This causes me to feel guilty because at the end of the day I know that I have done nothing productive. I feel like I am wasting my life. I know it is bad for me and I still do it. That makes me feel even worse about myself. It feels like the internet has more power over me than myself. I just cant get enough. It feels like I am addicted to it.

Now I need to ask myself: What am I getting out of this? Why am I choosing to do all these activities when I know they do me no good?

I love the excitement that comes with reading the forums, reading fanfiction, reblogging things on tumblr, watching youtube videos, browsing the internet… Life just seems so exciting. I am learning new things, I can talk to people all over the world, it is fun. There is no better feeling than when something amazing happens in my fandom. Everyone starts freaking out and everyone goes insane. It is great to feel so many intense emotions. It makes me feel alive.

Obviously I use my internet addiction, mostly the addiction to my fandom, to replace the lack of fun and excitement in my life. There is nothing wrong with going on the internet. Internet is great, it can be very informative, you can talk to people around the world, you can share your perspective on blog (I love my blog btw). But like everything, you can use the internet in a positive and in a negative way. The negative way of using internet is when you spend your entire life in front of your computer instead of having real life social interactions and real life interests. It is also unhealty to sit in front of your computer all day. You demage you back and make yourself sick.

My problem is that I have been using the internet to fill the void within my being that craves excitement and fun. I am also using it as a disctraction from dealing with my problems and insecurities. I use it to escape the „real world“.

So what is the solution to my problem? I need to find a way how to make my life more exciting without neccesarily using internet. Here are some exciting activities I could do:

  • I can go on a walk outside.
  • I can exercise.
  • I can listen to music and dance around.
  • I can paint mandalas or anything that I like to paint.
  • I can do creative things.
  • I can write into my diary.
  • I can hang out with my friends.
  • I can read books.
  • I can do meditation.
  • I can cook.

All of this could help me to make my life more fun and exciting without spending the entire day on the internet. I am not saying that I wont be using internet anymore. I love writing my blogs and I don’t consider writing them as a bad thing for me. It is definitely an enlightening activity for me. What I am saying is that I won’t be spending so much time on social media like facebook, tumblr, youtube, twitter, instagram, forums… I can check them out once a day for a few minutes but I can’t spend hours there. That is definitely not good for me and it only makes me feel like I am ruining my life.

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I’m too hard on myself

I have noticed that most of the time I behave very unlovingly towards myself. I am too harsh on myself. I do not appreciate my successes and I put myself down for everything that I think has gone wrong. I have the tendency to only pay attention to what I consider my flaws than my strengths.

I place extremely high standards on myself. I expect myself to be above it all. I feel like I should have already mastered everything. Whenever I feel negative emotion I start to think that something must have gone terribly wrong. I resist negative emotion and think it has no positive meaning. Therefore the negative emotion sticks around and I feel like crap constantly.

I especially noticed this tendency of mine while I’m studying. I usually  don’t enjoy it and I force myself to study. I tell myself I should be studying. But at the same time I’m avoiding to study at all costs. That means I wake up and tell myself I’m going to start studying. But after a few minutes I get bored and I find myself on the internet. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and I feel guilty for it but I still continue with distracting myself. After what is usually a few hours I go back to studying. Then I get bored and again I’m on the internet. I don’t enjoy it as much as I would because I constantly feel like I am betraying myself and I am wasting my life. At the end of the day I feel totally horrible about myself. I know I have done nothing productive all day and I am ruining my life.

But it’s not always so. Sometimes I study hard (usually short before the exam). The problem is that I am a horrible perfectionist. I never think I have done enough. I always tell myself I could do better. That’s why I usually get best grades and still I am not satisfied. It’s like I can’t appreciate myself. I definitely should stop with this kind of behavior. Especially when my ultimate goal is to love myself.

From this moment on I promise to myself that I will never be too hard on myself again.

I promise that I will study effectively and I won’t be using any distractions. I will set myself a time that I will study and after It’s over I am going to allow myself to do anything that I want. And I won’t have to feel guilty about myself while having fun. That’s going to increase my productivity and I’m going to feel good about myself.

I also promise to myself that I will appreciate each one of my achievements. I will stop paying attention to all my “failures” and I will look at my successes. Every time I successfully learn something I will be proud of myself. After every single passed exam I am going to reward myself. I will do something extremely self loving.

At the end of each day I will write into my diary all the thing that I am proud I did. I will write everything that I appreciate about myself and my day.

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School succes

Guys! I passed one of my collage exams!

I know it seems like no big deal but to me it is amazing because I had started with learning 2 days before the exam. Usually I am that kind of a person that starts with learning months prior the exam so I know everything perfectly but this time I was so insanely lazy that I have done nothing at all for months and I realized a few days before the exam that I know absolutely nothing! So I started learning intensely but I still did not read the books I was supposed to read and the articles I was supposed to read… I just learned what I thought was the most important part and guess what – I got grade 3!

I cant believe this cause I thought I must have failed it. I was so sure I will have to repeat it.

This was my face when I knew I was going to find out about the results:

This was me praying before finding out:

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This was me when I saw the results:

And when I realized I have passed:

And this is how I feel now:

My problem with studying

I am feeling intense negative emotions when I am learning for my entrance examinations. When I am trying to solve a math problem and I don’t know what to do with it, I start to feel completely frustrated. I feel like I am stupid and I won’t pass the test. I feel  like I am a worthless human being because I am not intelligent enough. I feel that I am not good enough to be accepted for university. I start feeling bored and I seek distractions. I stop focusing on the test and I start to think about millions of other things. At the end of the day I have not completed the test, I feel like crap because I have done nothing productive all day, I feel incredibly stupid and horrible about myself. Whenever I do something what is supposed to be fun I don’t enjoy it fully because I am telling myself that I should be studying. And when I am trying to study I get bored easily and think about all the fun things I could do at the moment. So at the end I feel like I am wasting my life.

It seems that my number one problem is that I feel worthless when I am no table to solve a math problem. I think that more intelligent people are better than less intelligent ones. Therefore I feel like a worse human being when I am no table to understand some things easily.

First of all I should know that people with higher points of IQ aren’t better than people with lower IQ. We are all equal from the perspective of the source. Intelligence does not determine my worth. Little babies don’t know how to solve complicated math problems and still they are worthy. So to judge myself as not good enough because I am not a math genius is completely irrelevant.

And just to make myself feel better, I am not completely stupid. Everyone is good at something. Just because maths isn’t my biggest talent doesn’t mean that I am not smart. To quote Albert Einstein: Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Areas in which I am smart and talented:

  • I have good language skills. I am a good writer.
  • I can learn foreign languages easily. My English is getting really good and I am also very good at German (since I study abroad in this language)
  • I have a good memory and I memorize things easily.
  • I am very emphatic and understand peoples emotions and motives.
  • I am also good at figuring out my own shadow sites and counseling myself.
  • I am good at social sciences.
  • I am not so bad at maths either. In the last year of high school I got best grades.
  • There are people that are so much worse in maths than myself
  • I am good at painting mandalas.

So what do I do to learn more effectively for my exams and have fun with it?

I shouldn’t beat myself up when I don’t know the answer to the question immediately. I am going to tell myself: I am smart enough to figure this out. I will think about it long enough and I will surely find the answer.

I will stop distracting myself from the test. I will be paying attention only to the test. I will take breaks so I don’t get tired too soon. When I finish it I am going to feel good about myself and I will also be able to do all the fun stuff without feeling guilty. That is going to increase my productivity and I won’t feel like I am wasting my life.

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My fandom obsession

The last post was about fandoms. In this one I would like to share with you how my fandom is affecting my life.

I’m not new to fandoms or fangirling. I always got very excited about things that I liked. Even as a child I got obsessed with singers, actors, bands, TV shows or whatever. I was and still am a fan of many things.

But it was cca 3 years ago when I found out what being a hard core fan is like. I started watching a TV show and I really liked it. Then they introduced a new couple on the show. I fell in love with this couple immediately. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term “shipping”. If not, it means that you like the idea of two characters being in a romantic relationship. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual (but come on, who are we kidding:). I totally started to ship them. They became my OTP (One True Pairing – the ship you like the most).

This is all ok. There is nothing wrong when a person likes a relationship of two fictional characters, right? I think what made my obsession much much bigger is joining the internet fandom. The day I discovered tumblr was the day my social life died. I found so many amazing blogs dedicated to my OTP. I started chatting with the owners of these blogs. We were exchanging pictures, videos and gifs. Every day I spent hours and hours on tumblr, reblogging hundreds of gifs.

Then I found out about fan forums. Those are places where people who share a mutual obsession discuss that thing. I loved it because all these people completely understood how I was feeling. We were discussing every single detail of what was going on on our favorite show, we were analyzing every sentence, every scene, everything… We were sharing our opinions, stories and fan art. There was so much going on that I devoted all my free time to this site. I started to do worse at school because I just couldn’t focus on learning. I’d rather spent my time chatting with people on the forums. I also completely sacrificed my social life to it. Who needs real life friends when all the cool people are online?

The day I discovered the site fanfiction.net was the day when I started to abandon all my basic needs. Fan fictions are worse than drugs. You become completely addicted to them. Especially when you find writers that are such geniuses. Some of these stories are better than any book I have ever read in my life. When I found a good fanfic with 50 or more chapters, I read all the chapters in one day. And they were really long. It is like reading a thick book in just one day. The result of this was that I stopped getting sleep. I was so obsessed with what happens in the next chapter that I didn’t care about the fact that I will be tired as a zombie the next day at school.

And this madness went on for months. Throughout the 3 years I had a few breaks with my hard core shipping. Usually I stopped being so obsessed when there were things going on in the show that I didn’t like that much. So I somehow stopped abandoning my basic needs and I started studying like a responsible student. But after some time I always returned to the fandom. It happened to me just recently. I wasn’t following the show for a few months. But a few weeks ago I have watched the episodes I haven’t seen so far. And it was probably the biggest mistake of my life. My obsession returned. I think it is even bigger than ever before. I blame the show for my giant obsession because the things that our fandom was only dreaming about for years became true.

On the day when the newest episode came out I have done NOTHING productive. I watched the episode 3 times in a row, I went on forum and spent 4 hours reading all the amazing posts and chatting with other fans, then I went on tumblr and spent another 3 hours liking and reblogging gifs and pictures. I seriously caught myself staring at some gifs for hours and I’m not kidding you. Then I rewatched my favorite scene from the episode on youtube countless times and spammed the site with comments. And of course I had to watch all other fan videos available. At the end of the day I read some fanfiction that people wrote as the continuation of the epic episode. And when the day was over I realized: I need help. This is not healthy. I literally have done nothing productive all day.

I wish it was just one day. But I found myself repeating these actions 3 days in a row. I know I’m not alone in this. In our fandom it’s a common thing. We all went crazy because of what was happening on the show. We all started abandoning all of our basic needs because of how many times we had to rewatch certain scenes. And it’s not just a thing that happens to teenagers. I know people who are over 30 years old with kids and jobs and they act just like crazy teenage fangirls.

And how do I feel about myself now? I think this gif pretty much sums it up:

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Fandoms of the internet

One thing that I’m really obsessed at the moment is fan culture and specifically fandoms of the internet. If you don’t know what a fandom is, basically it’s a community of fans revolving around a TV show, a movie, a book or something similar to that. Generally fandoms tend to involve people ages 13-21 on average, but anyone could potentially be a part of a fandom if they enjoy something enough.What I would like to talk about today is that you can like something SO MUCH that it actually destroys your life. Let me explain:

If you think you can just waltz into a fandom, that is not how this works. One does not simply join a fandom. It just happens to you. And most of the time, it’s when you least expect it.

Firstly, the person discovers and enjoys the thing. Then the person goes to the internet and has fun finding out about it and people who feel the same way. Person then suddenly becomes aware of that overwhelming perfection and it becomes the main reason for being alive.

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Next thing a person does is surfing the internet for places where you can talk with other people in the fandom (forums), you’re making fan art, you’re reblogging hundreds and hundreds of gifs on tumblr, you may even write some fanfiction. And there is no going back. Once you start having these intense emotions or “feels” for something, its like your soul would have this massive void if you would ever leave the fandom.

It’s kinda like a drug. While fandoms generally don’t cause you any physical harm like real drugs will, they will have an enormous effect on your social life. Do not watch a show or a movie for which you have intense feels around your non fandom friends. If you try to enjoy you’re favorite thing and start feeling your feels around the people who just don’t get it, they will think you’re insane.

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But what is it that turns a person that just likes something into this emotional wreck? It’s the internet! So you watched something that made you feel some feelings. If you didn’t go to the internet and see 10 000 other people feeling the same feelings, it’s a “feelingsplosion”. It’s basically like a group soap opera with ups and downs and fight and drama that at the end of the day is all centered around a mutual obsession over something.

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But the separation between this hard core internet fandom and just a casual real life fan is what amazes me. A casual fan will pretty much just enjoy the thing whilst the internet fan is rocking backwards and forwards in the corner because of all the feelings.

Basically, fandoms are like drugs. You just need that little bit to get you hooked and than a tiny bit more here and there when BAM, suddenly your life is a train wrack. There should seriously be a fandom rehab.

And for anyone who is reading this who doesn’t consider himself a part of fandom like this, you have to understand something: You’re fandom friends really care about this stuff. They actually have emersed themselves so deeply into this world and have invested so many emotions into the characters that they might actually be googling rituals that they can do in order to try to send themseves into that fictional universe and actually live there. Sadly there is no way to do something like that and what’s worse, eventually, you’re going to hit something like a brick wall in your fandom. What I mean by this is you’re watching your favorite TV show and you watch all available episodes and then you find out there is going to be like 6 months or a year before there’s new ones or the series is over, you can almost feel your heart shatter inside of your chest like you have this close group of friends and they all suddenly died. It might differ to you what happens based on your fandom and your level of feels, but regardless of this, you will slip into some kind of a horrible fandom based depression.

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You probably spent the last few minutes going like: “Yes, yes, oh god she understands!” or you’ve been going: “I understand none of this and now I’m scared.” In which case yes, you should be scared.

But what I wanna now is: Are you a member of any fandom? Has it destroyed your life or are you just finding this all terrifying and strange? Let me know down in the comments.