I feel bad. I dislike this feeling. I have been feeling like this for two days now. Sometimes it is better and sometimes it is worse, it depends on what I am paying attention to at the moment.
It is fascinating to me how fast my emotions change. Last week was totally amazing. I have been so happy like never before. Life felt like ecstasy. And somehow a few days later I feel so frustrated like I have ruined my life. It is overwhelming how things can change.
So what is it that is creating this pain within my being? Obviously I must have some definitions and belief systems that are out of alignment with my natural self. Lets find out what these definitions are!
The first question I should ask myself is when do I feel this intense negative emotions and why?
I feel bad when I spend too much time on fan forum, when I watch too many youtube videos, when I read too much fanfiction and when I spend too much time (basically the entire day) on the internet. This causes me to feel guilty because at the end of the day I know that I have done nothing productive. I feel like I am wasting my life. I know it is bad for me and I still do it. That makes me feel even worse about myself. It feels like the internet has more power over me than myself. I just cant get enough. It feels like I am addicted to it.
Now I need to ask myself: What am I getting out of this? Why am I choosing to do all these activities when I know they do me no good?
I love the excitement that comes with reading the forums, reading fanfiction, reblogging things on tumblr, watching youtube videos, browsing the internet… Life just seems so exciting. I am learning new things, I can talk to people all over the world, it is fun. There is no better feeling than when something amazing happens in my fandom. Everyone starts freaking out and everyone goes insane. It is great to feel so many intense emotions. It makes me feel alive.
Obviously I use my internet addiction, mostly the addiction to my fandom, to replace the lack of fun and excitement in my life. There is nothing wrong with going on the internet. Internet is great, it can be very informative, you can talk to people around the world, you can share your perspective on blog (I love my blog btw). But like everything, you can use the internet in a positive and in a negative way. The negative way of using internet is when you spend your entire life in front of your computer instead of having real life social interactions and real life interests. It is also unhealty to sit in front of your computer all day. You demage you back and make yourself sick.
My problem is that I have been using the internet to fill the void within my being that craves excitement and fun. I am also using it as a disctraction from dealing with my problems and insecurities. I use it to escape the „real world“.
So what is the solution to my problem? I need to find a way how to make my life more exciting without neccesarily using internet. Here are some exciting activities I could do:
- I can go on a walk outside.
- I can exercise.
- I can listen to music and dance around.
- I can paint mandalas or anything that I like to paint.
- I can do creative things.
- I can write into my diary.
- I can hang out with my friends.
- I can read books.
- I can do meditation.
- I can cook.
All of this could help me to make my life more fun and exciting without spending the entire day on the internet. I am not saying that I wont be using internet anymore. I love writing my blogs and I don’t consider writing them as a bad thing for me. It is definitely an enlightening activity for me. What I am saying is that I won’t be spending so much time on social media like facebook, tumblr, youtube, twitter, instagram, forums… I can check them out once a day for a few minutes but I can’t spend hours there. That is definitely not good for me and it only makes me feel like I am ruining my life.