I have noticed that most of the time I behave very unlovingly towards myself. I am too harsh on myself. I do not appreciate my successes and I put myself down for everything that I think has gone wrong. I have the tendency to only pay attention to what I consider my flaws than my strengths.
I place extremely high standards on myself. I expect myself to be above it all. I feel like I should have already mastered everything. Whenever I feel negative emotion I start to think that something must have gone terribly wrong. I resist negative emotion and think it has no positive meaning. Therefore the negative emotion sticks around and I feel like crap constantly.
I especially noticed this tendency of mine while I’m studying. I usually don’t enjoy it and I force myself to study. I tell myself I should be studying. But at the same time I’m avoiding to study at all costs. That means I wake up and tell myself I’m going to start studying. But after a few minutes I get bored and I find myself on the internet. I know I shouldn’t be doing this and I feel guilty for it but I still continue with distracting myself. After what is usually a few hours I go back to studying. Then I get bored and again I’m on the internet. I don’t enjoy it as much as I would because I constantly feel like I am betraying myself and I am wasting my life. At the end of the day I feel totally horrible about myself. I know I have done nothing productive all day and I am ruining my life.
But it’s not always so. Sometimes I study hard (usually short before the exam). The problem is that I am a horrible perfectionist. I never think I have done enough. I always tell myself I could do better. That’s why I usually get best grades and still I am not satisfied. It’s like I can’t appreciate myself. I definitely should stop with this kind of behavior. Especially when my ultimate goal is to love myself.
From this moment on I promise to myself that I will never be too hard on myself again.
I promise that I will study effectively and I won’t be using any distractions. I will set myself a time that I will study and after It’s over I am going to allow myself to do anything that I want. And I won’t have to feel guilty about myself while having fun. That’s going to increase my productivity and I’m going to feel good about myself.
I also promise to myself that I will appreciate each one of my achievements. I will stop paying attention to all my “failures” and I will look at my successes. Every time I successfully learn something I will be proud of myself. After every single passed exam I am going to reward myself. I will do something extremely self loving.
At the end of each day I will write into my diary all the thing that I am proud I did. I will write everything that I appreciate about myself and my day.