Through the process of shadow work I found out that my core belief is “I am worthless”. I can see this core belief being active in many situations in my life. These are a few examples on how is this belief manifesting itself in my life:
- I care about what other people think of me.
- I am afraid to express myself.
- I hate speaking in public.
- I feel guilty when I make a mistake.
- I am afraid to talk to other people because I fear rejection.
- I have no close friends, I keep everything to myself because I am afraid of judgment.
- I do what other people expect me to do and not what I want to do.
This belief is present in pretty much all of the areas in my life. It is everywhere I go. I deal with it like 100 times per day. Today I am ready to change it. I am going to use Teal Scott’s process on changing a belief.
I have already completed the first step which is identifying the belief. Now I have to decide if this belief is beneficial or detrimental to me. This belief is definitely detrimental. It is limits me in every way. I can not grow into my highest potential as long as I have this belief. It does not allow me to express myself. Because of this belief I always attract people into my life that are making me feel worthless.
Now I have to decide what would I like to believe instead. I would like to believe that I am worthy. I would like to believe that I am enough.
The next step is to determine the emotions that are holding me to the belief. There is always a hidden positive intention behind any belief. If we did not believe that it is in some way, shape or form serving us, it would make no sense to have such a belief. When I am being really honest with myself, I found out, that when I believe that I am worthless I get pity from other people. That pity feels like people care about me. When I think thoughts like “I am not good enough”, I give up the responsibility of having to try something new. I give up the responsibility over my own life and my own decisions. I have to decide if the emotional pay off is worth keeping the emotion or not. To me it is not worth it. I would rather know and express my true worth and people will naturally care about me. I am ready to take the responsibility for my life and try new things.
Now I will seek out alternative evidence and alternative explanations which undermine the validity of my belief “I am worthless”: For years I took my mothers words and actions as a proof that I am worthless. But when I was little and made decisions that were embarrassing to my mother, she was the one who felt worthless. She then yelled at me and expressed her anger, because I made her feel worthless. I simply adopted her own belief.
I had no friends growing up. This one can be easily explained. When I felt like I was not good enough, other kids felt that rejection and that fear that was present within me and they did not bother to talk to me. They were simply reflecting to me my own rejection of self. I know I have the belief that I am worthless for many years now. I am aware of the fact that I can change it. And yet, after all these years, the belief is still here. It means I failed in changing my belief ans that means I am worthless. The reason behind why this belief is still here is because I am invalidating it. I reject it. I say it has no positive meaning, I resist it. And what you resist persists. It does not mean I am worthless.
What I will do now is that I look for evidence and proof to back up the beneficial belief I would rather believe. I ask myself this question: How am I good enough?
- I have had successes.
- I successfully completed high school.
- I am now a collage student.
- I have people in my life who love me for who I am and appreciate me.
- I have worth which is inate.
- Unconditional love is what I was created from.
- When All That Is created me, it obviously thought I deserved to exist.
- Therefore I must be equal to every other creation, otherwise I would not have been created.
As the next step I am going to be using affirmations that I do believe. I begin to tell myself things like this on a daily basis: I value myself because I care. I am an interesting person. I know many things that could help other people. I am smart and loving…
The last step is taking some time for my reality to change itself. I can not expect myself to be completely self loving at this moment. When I spent 15 years of my life hating myself, it would be cruel to expect from myself to completely change it in a second. I also can not resist hating myself anymore. Because what we resist persists. My reality will surely change if I allow it to change.