I never had an ideal relationship with my mother. Our personalities are total opposites. We are so unlike each other. She simply does not understand me. She is more extroverted, I am more introverted. She has millions of friends and gets energized in social situations, I have a very few friends and get energized when I am alone. She is very practical, I am a visionary. She is extremely hyperactive, I work more slowly and ordently.
Since I was little she has always been criticising me. Thanks to her I always believed I was worthless. She thinks that something is wrong with me and I am simply not normal.
When she was younger, she was also interested in spirituality and the new age movement. For 20 years she has been reading all the books on this topic. She was interested in alternative medicine and healthy living. She was the one who got me into spirituality and this kind of things in the first place. But in the past few years her opinion on spirituality has changed. She no longer believes it. She says all of those things do not help at all. She is scared that I will walk in her footsteps. She is scared that I will be fooled as she thinks she was.
It is funny to me how my mother says that these things do not work at all when she is always negatively focused. One of the main ideas of the new age movement is that you manifest yourself what you pay attention to. How can she expect herself to live a happy life with a negative mind? She does not understand that our emotions are our indications of what we are vibrating. She does not know that she is the creator of her own reality. She does not follow any of the basic spiritual principles and then she wonders why aren´t they working. It is obvious to me but she does not believe me. I wish I could help her but she does not accept any help.
Our relationship has slightly improved over the years. She is no longer so harsh on me and I can express my opinion more easily. But still I feel that it could be much better. Sometimes I feel like I hate her. She is a perfect mirror of my own deepest shadows.
So today I have decided to dig deep into this relationship and do some shadow work. I have adopted this process from Teal – The spiritual catalyst. You can learn how to do this process in her Shadow work video. It is called “Finding the suppressed self”.
First of all I am going to list all the qualities about my mother that I dislike so much. This is how I see her from my point of view:
- She is judgmental and critical of others.
- She is demanding and controlling.
- She is the most negative and pessimistic person I know.
- She always looks for the worst in people.
- She is cruel and harsh.
- She is an energy vampire.
- She likes conflict.
- She hates herself.
- She is extremely moody.
- She thinks everything good in life is over for her.
- She thinks life is unfair.
- She believes people are divided into good and bad.
- She does not believe that dreams can come true.
- She thinks spiritual methods do not help at all.
- She believes new age movement is a hoax.
- She is unreasonable.
- She must do things her way, she thinks she knows best.
- She does everything quickly and she stresses everyone around fer.
- She is disappointed in life and in herself.
- She gets angry very easily.
- She cares too much about money.
- She does not think outside the box.
- She constantly compares me to other people.
- She obviously hates me.
- She is disappointed that she has a daughter like me.
- She wishes I would be someone else.
Here is a list of what my mother might dislike about me:
- She is naive.
- She never expresses any emotions.
- She lives in an illusion that all people are essentially good and we are all one.
- She is a chronical worrior.
- She stresses about everything.
- She does not see the reality as it is.
- She is delusional.
- She is never happy.
- She hates herself.
- She is too moral and too kind.
- She is constantly ill.
- She catches all the possible diseases.
- She is incapable of living on her own.
- She is too depandent on her parents.
- She is antisocial and has no friends.
- She does not have a boyfriend and probably never will.
- She is so weird and unconventional.
- She is scared of people and talking.
- She can not defend herself.
- She cares way too much about others opinions.
- She does not know how to have fun.
- She is uptight and too serious.
- She is constantly learning for school and forgets to live her life.
- She is too secretive and mysterious.
- She is cold and inexpressive. She does not talk to me.
- She hates me.
- She does not know what life is about.
- She is a horrible person.
- She does not even know herself.
- She is rude and arrogant.
- She takes her parents care for granted.
- She cares too much about spiritual stuff.
- Her head is in the clouds.
- She does not know how to live in this world.
- She is lost in life.
- She has no interests besides angels and fairies.
- She is stupid and mentally ill.
- She will not be able to survive on her own.
- She is stubborn and she does not follow my advice.
- All of my friends hate her.
- She does not know how to interact with people.
- She believes that she creates her own reality which is bullshit.
- She sees the world through pink colored glasses.
- She is a terrible procrastinator.
- She does not get anything done.
- Her only pleasures in life is internet and eating.
- She thinks she has friends on the internet but these are no real friends.
- She will never be able to get a job.
- She will never finish collage.
- She is passive and flegmatic.
- She barely ever leaves her room.
- She wastes her life completely.
- She should not have been born.
- Especially she should not be my daughter.
- If it was not for her parents, she would not have survived in this world.
Well, if this is what she really thinks about me it is no wonder she worried about me. I look really bad from her point of view.
Now I take the first list and make the worst case scenario of my mothers traits. Here is my list:
- She tortures others.
- She points out others flaws and makes them feel like crap.
- She changes her mood every moment.
- Everyone hates her.
- She is like a bomb that can explode every second.
- She hates her life.
- She wants to die.
- She thinks she is the worst mother ever.
- She hates everyone that is interested in spirituality.
- She thinks life makes no sense.
- She believes everyone is egoistical and selfish.
- She lost her faith in good people.
- She believes happiness is unachievable.
- Things must always be done her way.
- She wants to control my life.
- She does not believe in my own decisions.
- She lost all her friends.
- My parents start hating eachother.
- She is going to catch an illness and die in pain.
- She does not accept any help.
- She only cares for money and material things.
- She will die in depression.
- Everyone is going to abandon her.
- No one can stand her presence.
- She is never happy.
- She complains about everything 24/7.
- Because of her negative focus everything is going to turn out badly for her.
And here is my worst case scenario list:
- She can not discern between reality and illusion.
- She believes everything anyone says to her.
- She can not make any decisions on her own.
- She ends up with a chronical disease and will be dependant on her parents.
- She will be incapable to live her life by herself.
- She will be extremely unssucessful.
- Everyone is going to use her and fool her.
- She will never know what friendship is.
- She will never express her true self.
- She will never know what fun and excitement means.
- She will only suffer in life.
- She will never finish any university.
- No one likes her.
- She will never have a boyfriend and children.
- She will never live on her own and have her own house.
- We (parents) will be forced to financially support her forever.
- She will end up in a mental hospital.
- She will die at young age.
- She will end up alone and abandoned.
- Nobody likes her and nobody understands her.
- She will waste her life completely.
Now I am going to take a tiny dose of my mothers’s traits and see how that could improve my life:
- If I was a tiny bit controlling, demanding and assertive–> I would stick up for myself. I would be able to ask for things and my needs would be fulfilled. I could set healthy boundaries and feel secure.
- If I was a tiny bit less serious —> I would have more fun and I would enjoy life more. Other people will feel good around me.
- If I was a tiny bit unreasonable —> I would know what I need and want, even if in the eyes of others it was stupid, I would stand up for who I am and what matters to me.
- If I was a tiny bit judgemental and critical —> I would be able to analyze and be more efficient. I would be able to understand how others approach things and adapt. I would not be easily fooled.
- If I was a tiny bit angry —> I could express myself. I would not keep everything bottled up. I could express how I feel calmly and create healthy boundaries that make me feel comforted.
- If I was a tiny bit more ‘me knows best’ —> I could share my opinion without fear. I could allow people to take what they want from my help. I could inspire others.
The thing is that at some point in my life I became so scared of what is in the third list (my mothers worst case scenario list), that I have developed a supressed self. I am now out of balance because of this shadow side and resistance that I have towards my mothers traits. My suppressed Identity is the one who is self-expressive, confident and spontanious.
The ways how I supress this identity in my life are:
- I worry about what other people think.
- I do what I have to do instead of what I want to do.
- I am locked into routines.
- I do not try anything new.
- I do not express myself.
- I am insecure about myself.
So what are the ways I could express my supressed identity? Here are a few ideas:
- I can express what I am feeling by talking.
- I can try sharing my opinion of certain things. I can start participating in conversations.
- I can ask for things I need.
- I can do something for myself that I feel matters to me even though others don’t understand.
- I could be less serious and live more in the moment.
- I could talk louder and with more confidence.
- I could be more cheerful and optimistic.
- I can do art.
This process was very eye opening for me. Now I understand my mother better. I can see why she is worried about me. If I was in her situation I would probably do the same thing. I have compassion for her now and I no longer feel that strong resistance.
I know this post is very long and probably no one will read it, but the main purpose of this post is my own healing process. It has helped me a lot so I hope it can inspire you to look deep into your own relationships and see what they are telling you about yourself. 🙂
Things I like about my mother:
- She makes wonderful cakes.
- She has good sense for beauty.
- She designs pretty interiors.
- She can sometimes be nice to people.
- She cares about her children.
- She is genuinely worried about me, that is why she gets angry with me so much.