Today I’m going to tell you my story.
I was an extremely shy kid. I was afraid to express myself. I kept everything to myself. I showed a passive attitude towards everything. I had absolutely no friends. Everyone thought that something was wrong with me. Teachers told my mother to bring me to a therapist because I didn’t behave like other kids.
I don’t know why I behaved like this since such an early age. But I know it wasn’t natural to me. I wasn’t happy as a child. I lived in constant fear of rejection. I was afraid to talk to anyone because I thought I wasn’t worthy of their time. I thought I don’t deserve anything. The belief that something is wrong with me was so very present within my being even at the age of 3. And because I believed it so strongly, my outside reality couldn’t do anything else but to reflect to me my own feelings of rejection. Everyone was telling me I wasn’t alright. For me it was a confirmation that I was born unworthy and suffering is all that I deserved.
I have to ask myself how did I even started to think I was unworthy at the age of 3? How did I come to believe such a thing? I think it was based on how I interpreted things that were going on around me. When I was 2.5 years old, my brother was born. Suddenly all the attention turned to him. Until then I was used to get all of the attention. I used to talk a lot, I was a loud and cheerful. But when he was born, everyone seemed to care about him. I felt rejected. I felt like I have done something wrong. I started feeling unworthy. Now I know my parents still loved me, they just didn’t have time to care about me all the time. But when I was little I didn’t understand that and I interpreted it in my own way.
The belief of being unworthy grew even stronger when I was in elementary school. I still had no friend, all the kids made fun of me. Teachers didn’t like me because I was always quiet and I didn’t seem to be very smart. The worst year for me was in 4th grade. My family moved to a different city and I had to visit different school. Since day one all my classmates hated me and made fun of me. I was being bullied in school every day. Life became hell for me. When I came home from school I didn’t feel the support from my family. I never told them about anything that I was experiencing. It’s like I lived in a shell, I created my own world. In my mind I wasn’t worthy of anything and I believed that everything that was happening to me I deserved completely.
After one year I left that school and went to gymnasium. Everyone was surprised that I passed the entrance exams including my family, because they thought I wasn’t especially smart. I thought that maybe I will find some friends in the new school. But unfortunately I wasn’t popular there at all. No one wanted to be my friend and kids were laughing at me. I was disappointed, but it only convinced me that I am less then the others.
I few years went by like this. Then I started exploring spirituality and I started reading motivational and self help literature. I learned that I am the creator of my own reality and that I’m unconditionally loved. Of course I didn’t understand it fully in just one day. You don’t go from the vibration of total powerlessness to total self acceptance so easily. Healing happens in layers. It took me years to integrate it into my life. That is when life started to get better for me. I was no longer in such a victim mentality so I attracted myself a few friends. We were all the outsiders in school and the weirdos but that is what brought us together. I created a blog 5 years ago where I started to write about my experiences and opinions. Thanks to internet a get to know many interesting people. For the first time in my life I felt like I belong somewhere and I’m not alone in this.
Since then my life is getting better and better. I can tell that I’m a completely different person. I’m much closer to my true self. I know I’m not quite there yet but I’m on a right track. And I enjoy this ride we call life. Now I know that all of my childhood experience was a part of the plan. I think that one of the primary intentions I had for this life before I even manifested in this physical body was to know my true worth. And how would I know what being worthy is if I didn’t experience the feeling of being unworthy? With my childhood I have created for myself the perfect contrast for everything I needed to learn. Now when I have gone through feelings of total powerlessness and victim mentality and healed myself, I can use my knowledge to help others find their true self and reach their highest potential. An there is nothing I would love to do more than this! 🙂